How do I stop obsessing about my ex?

It’s been four months since I was dumped. I still think about him every day. Do you think it means I’m not over him? Or is it just curiosity/habit? I wonder how he’s doing. I think of our inside jokes and routines. I worry about him a little. I’ve blocked him on social media so I don’t have to be reminded, but I don’t know how to block him from my thoughts. Any tips?
—Relentless Thoughts

Dear RT,

It’s damn near impossible to “block” someone from your mind. In fact, studies have shown that the more we TRY to abolish something from our mind, the more our brains will ensure the pesky thought stays put.

Social psychologist Daniel Wegner at Harvard tested this assumption in a study where he asked participants to verbalize their stream of consciousness thoughts for 5 minutes while trying not to think of a white bear. Despite the explicit direction to avoid thinking of a white bear, the participants thought of it more than once per minute on average.

I bet you’re thinking of a white bear right now, actually. #sorry

Is there any way to avoid unwanted thoughts, then? Kind of. But it involves work, and frankly, I think your stray, passing thoughts about your ex hardly constitute concern. If thoughts of him were causing you to, say, neglect your life or your job or your other relationships, that’s one thing. But being reminded of someone is incredibly common, post-breakup. Whole songs have been written about the phenomenon of seeing your ex’s car everywhere. We see their names on billboards, in books. We hear “our” song on the radio. We’re bombarded with signs of them.

Founder of analytical psychology Carl Jung called these meaningful coincidences “synchronicity” and described them thus: “When coincidences pile up in this way, one cannot help being impressed by them—for the greater the number of terms in such a series, or the more unusual its character, the more improbable it becomes.”

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In short, don’t beat yourself up too much for thinking of your ex. Focus instead on living your life and on letting thoughts flow through and out of you like waves.

If, however, you find the thoughts to be annoyingly persistent, Wegner noted that you can try a few different strategies. One is to pick another distractor to focus on instead. Cheese, perhaps? The underappreciated poetry of Jewel? Another trick is to set aside a short, specific time to think about him, say for 30 minutes on Wednesdays, which can help some people avoid worrying the rest of the time. Lastly, you can try 5 minutes of mindfulness meditation a day (focusing on your breath and returning to it when your mind inevitably wanders), which can help you strengthen your mental faculties and resolve.

Good luck, RT. Try not to bring too much pressure to (white) bear on yourself. #sorrysorry