I’m 26 and living with my parents again. I was living with my girlfriend of eight years until she dumped me in June. I’m working part time and trying to save money, but does anyone want to date a guy who lives with his parents? I feel like I should date, but also don’t know if I can because I can’t stop thinking about my ex. When she left, it devastated me. On the other hand, I feel lonely and stuck and would like to do something to get my love life back on track and be more independent. What should I do?
—Parent Problems
Dear PP,
Do you know much about crabs? Not that kind. I mean hermit crabs.
As they grow, they have to find bigger and bigger shells to live in. If they can’t find a new shell right away, they have to wander around without any protection, leaving themselves vulnerable to things like, you know, being eaten alive.
You are like a hermit crab in between shells right now, PP. You’ve gone through some big life changes—an eight-year relationship ending, having to move back home, feeling unsettled and anxious about the future. You feel like you “should date,” but you’re not sure if you’re ready or if living with your parents will be an insurmountable obstacle.
It seems counterintuitive, but I’d encourage you to sit with the discomfort and try not to dismiss it outright or even feel like you necessarily need to “do” anything about it. Transition periods are hard, but they are also the most necessary for growth and change. This doesn’t mean you have to stay in your room all day wallowing and listening to The Cure. But you also don’t have to force yourself to date if you’re not ready. Three months is not a long time to get over an eight-year relationship, after all.
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So let go of “shoulds.” And take as much time as you need to grieve and heal your heart. It’s not a contest, as much as reality TV shows would like us to believe that. If the thought of dating sounds horrible to you, please pursue another endeavor.
In the meantime, I want you to brainstorm activities that would make you feel less lonely and stuck. Is it organizing a weekly game night with friends? Going on hikes? Joining a sports team? Trivia nights? Volunteering somewhere? Reading a book you’ve been putting off? Researching a new career? Learning Portuguese? Mindfulness meditation? Make a list of everything you think might make you feel like you’re living a rich and full life, and then devote a small amount of time to pursuing it each week. This doesn’t have to occupy all your time—even an hour a week can help make you feel like you’re putting your life back in motion.
In terms of living with your folks, that’s not the world’s biggest deal-breaker, especially if you frame it as a temporary situation, which isn’t even a lie! Wooh. Every last one of us, even the most staunchly independent people, has had to accept help from SOMEONE at some point in our lives, and there’s no shame in that.
Embrace your inner crab, PP, and remember, the seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake, but if your parents are subsidizing your lake rent, that’s cool, too, man.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email [email protected]. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.