Fantasy football season is upon us. The annual Dungeons and Dragons-like event for people who didn’t get beat up in high school is a perfect way to build friendships (or actively bully casual acquaintances) throughout the 17-week NFL season.
There’s one thing that doesn’t get all the attention like sleepers or boom-or-bust veteran draft pickups are fantasy football team names. They’re something I take an inordinate amount of pride in. With my Blake Bortles-featuring Borthole Surfers last year, 2011’s Yes We Cam or my 2016 fantasy baseball team name, Pamplemousse Lucroy, these stupid puns give me more joy than drafting a breakout star or even winning the league.
Because of this and the fact that I’m keeping my current name since I drafted Bortles again, I’ve decided to think of some other team names for Bears fans trying to think of one. There will be no generic names like “Tom’s Terrific Team!” or something uninspired like “Go For Gould!” on this list.
More Top Picks Best Macram Cord For Wall Hangings
Kevin Can Wait (new comedy airing this fall on CBS!)
If you drafted Bears wide receiver Kevin White last year, you were the laughingstock of your draft because he missed the entire season with a stress fracture in his shin. Speaking of laughingstocks, Kevin James has a new primetime sitcom on CBS called “Kevin Can Wait.” This one works on multiple levels because, guess what, one of the 2015 draft’s best wide receivers had to wait an entire year for his first NFL snap.
Cutler Without the “E” (Cut from the Team)
Besides the mayor, no one gets Chicagoans more riled up than Jay Cutler. The amount of vitriol Jay and his wife, Kristin Cavallari, get from casual fans is astonishing. It’s hate severe even for people who don’t vaccinate their children. Because of that, I’m sure you’ll appreciate this lame Taking Back Sunday joke about him getting cut from the team. Make damn sure you pick a name as good as this one.
Alshon of the Dead
I couldn’t photoshop Alshon Jeffery onto Young Thug’s recent “Jeffery” album art, but I went for the second best option, which was to place his head onto Simon Pegg’s body on the poster for “Shaun of the Dead.” The odds are stacked against this Bears team, and Cutler, Jeffery and coach John Fox are going to have to work together to make it back to the pub, aka the top of the NFC North.
J. Langford’s Mekons
I realize the Venn diagram of people who play fantasy football and people who listen to the Mekons or the Waco Brothers or even have Bloodshot Records vinyl in their collection might be just me. That said, whenever I saw Jeremy Langford backing Matt Forte last year, I couldn’t stop thinking of Jon Langford, the charismatic frontman of the iconic country-punk band the Mekons. Not many things rhyme with Langford, so I’m going to go with an easy pop culture reference, especially since both Langfords live in Chicago.
@joshhterry | [email protected]