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There has never been a U.S. presidential campaign like this one. Never one so bizarre, insult-packed and fact-free. But what if all of American history was like this election? (Cue the harp music …)
It was time for a revolution.
The colonists, inspired by tea party politics, called King George a lightweight, a disaster, a low-energy loser and a clown. They tried to recruit “Second Amendment people,” which was confusing at the time because the Bill of Rights hadn’t been written yet. Men with guns showed up anyway.
The Founding Fathers gathered in Philadelphia to draft the Declaration of Independence, featuring the famous line: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that we don’t need to show you our stinkin’ tax returns, disclose the speeches we give to Wall Street bankers or explain our positions on the issues.”
The British finally surrendered, which meant that all Americans were free and equal, except for women and minorities.
Decades later came the Mexican War, also known as the War Against Drug-and-Crime-Bringing Rapists Except for Some, We Assume, Who Are Good People.
America took possession of the state of Texas and has been stuck with it ever since.
Two Illinois politicians scheduled a series of debates on the slavery question, but Lincoln and Douglas just kept shouting the word “bigot!” at each other, so everyone went home. Then the South tried to secede, and a civil war ensued.
The president freed the slaves, telling them: “What the hell do you have to lose?”
Then he wrote a stirring Gettysburg Address, but he kept it in his private files at home, and some of the text was deleted. Instead, the president gave a separate speech starting, “Four score and seven years ago — or something like that, I’m not really sure, and at this point, what difference does it make?”
The speech was further undercut by his final words: “Please clap.”
A few years later, the Indian wars broke out and the president accused Gen. George Armstrong Custer of being a “founder of the Sioux nation.” When people asked if he was kidding, he insisted he wasn’t. But finally he mocked his critics, saying, “Don’t they get sarcasm?” (The Indians didn’t get sarcasm either; they massacred Custer and his troops.)
The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor. But a sign on Lady Liberty warned that no immigrants would be allowed into the country “until we figure out what’s going on.”
We still haven’t figured it out, but eventually we started letting people in anyway.
World War I erupted in Europe. The U.S. considered helping the allied forces but decided against it because some NATO members were not paying their fair share. This confused a lot of people because NATO hadn’t been founded yet.
The U.S. finally entered the war, and the president proudly announced that the Germans had been schlonged.
Fascism rose in post-war Europe, and the president tweeted a Benito Mussolini quote, which was weird because there was no Twitter.
After Pearl Harbor was attacked, the president’s aides wrote a speech about “a date which will live in infamy.” But instead the president started talking about his “big hands,” and how “I guarantee you there’s no problem.”
The U.S. eventually got around to declaring war, but the president ruined morale by ridiculing Gold Star families and declaring that he knew way more than his generals.
America eventually overcame all of that, and the Germans were re-schlonged.
Television became popular, allowing politicians to cite things they’d seen on video even though no one could ever find the videos they were talking about.
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The Vietnam War tore apart America. And when the prisoners of war came home, the president said, “I like people that weren’t captured.”
As the Cold War neared an end, someone suggested that the president go to the Berlin Wall and declare, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” But instead, the president built an even bigger wall — a huge wall — and declared, “Mr. Gorbachev, please make a donation to our foundation or hire our friends as consultants.”
The Middle East grew increasingly unstable with Iraq’s invasion of Kuwait in 1990. The U.S. president drew a line in the sand, then erased it and redrew it somewhere else. And then somewhere else again. No one knows where it is today.
In 2000, the presidential election was so close that it was settled by the Supreme Court a month later. Aides advised the loser to graciously accept the result, but he insisted on calling the election “rigged” for years afterward. He even claimed he had invented the word “rigged.”
And then came the 2016 election, which required no fictionalization.
With this year’s outlandish and corrosive rhetoric, the memory of an honorable American history is fading fast.
It’s been wiped, like with a cloth or something. Sad!