Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelorette,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: Five women of RedEye each drafted five or six of the 26 competing men. Everyone gets one point for every man who gets through each week.
It was heartbreak city on “The Bachelorette” this week. Poor Luke and Chase. Each dude got dumped only minutes after dropping the L-bomb. But in their tremendous sorrow, both men knew what they had to do: Immediately start campaigning to be the next Bachelor.
Each played it a little differently. Luke used phrases like, “I can’t believe I squandered it away. I had no clue I was doing that.” He needs another chance at love! Chase, on the other hand, deployed the one-two punch of uncontainable rage and then returning to tell JoJo he loves her and wants the best for her. Passionate but still good guy!
Sorry, guys. You’re both too boring for this gig. Plus Jordan probably already has a contract with ABC if he doesn’t win.
Team One – 11 points
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Derek, Chad, Sal, Jake, Brandon, Evan
ELIMINATED IN WEEK SIX.
Team Two – 15 points
Robby, Christian, Will, Daniel, James S.
Mama, we made it. My boy Robby—and his perpetually well-coiffed (even post-coitus) hair—is in the final two. His “exotic overnight” date with JoJo started off solid. Wandering around a Thai market, getting pedicures (which Robby clearly enjoys on the reg, not that there’s anything wrong with that) and staring deeply into each other eyes all make for perfect pre-fantasy suite foreplay.
I am slightly worried that Robby might be a robot whose only programmable interest is telling JoJo how much he loves her. He has literally never said anything else of substance to her these past nine weeks. Good thing there doesn’t have to be much talking in the Fantasy Suite.
Regardless of his abilities to talk about anything other than “Joelle,” Robby will be getting down on one knee next week, for better or for worse. At least one thing is certain about the finale—his hair will be impeccable.
—Shelbie Bostedt
Team Three – 18 points
Jordan, Chase, James F., Peter, Coley
Happy fantasy suite week, y’all. Last night, my two remaining players packed their bags and headed for Thailand with JoJo, but only Jordan will get to meet Neil Lane and his diamonds next week. Despite the fact that he couldn’t tell JoJo what the next year of his life looks like, Jordan is here to stay. (Can you tell I’m still bitter about the fact that Aaron Rodgers probably definitely won’t be part of the studio audience for “Men Tell All” tonight?)
To make matters worse, Chase got dumped in the fantasy suite. And it wasn’t a painless goodbye. No, poor Chase let JoJo rip the Band-Aid off slowly. But kudos to him for showing up the next day and apologizing at the rose ceremony. (That’s how you return after being kicked off, Chad.) I can only hope that producers let Chase spend the rest of the week relaxing at a monkey sanctuary. You deserve it, buddy.
—Morgan Olsen
Team Four – 17 points
Grant, Luke, Nick S., James Taylor, Vinny
Nooooooo, Luke! Even though you made a last ditch effort at those three little words last week, it appears it wasn’t enough. Clearly you didn’t express enough emotion to JoJo even though the entire nation witnessed your steamy sunset smooches. But after a solid five minutes of JoJo working it—er, crying—in that gorgeous blue dress, she slept on it and was entirely over you. We’ll pour one out for the fact you’ll never know what love could have been.
—Aly Morris
Team Five – 13 points
Wells, Alex, Nick B., Ali, Jonathan
ELIMINATED IN WEEK SEVEN.