I’m in love with this guy who is boss. He’s the first guy I’ve dated. We’re still not in a relationship; we’re in the dating stage. I’m confused because I think he’s not over his ex-girlfriend. He has photos of his exes on his Facebook. I have told him that I get jealous seeing all the pictures of him and his exes. I asked him why he’s not deleting the photos. He keeps on saying that it’s nothing, it’s just memories. I have this doubt that maybe he sees his ex in me. Someone told me that I resemble his ex. I feel like I’m—A Rebound Girl
Dear ARG,
An ex of mine recently announced her engagement on Facebook. We haven’t talked in years, and I’ve filtered her out of my feed almost entirely, but I can’t bring myself to delete her outright. Maybe it’s masochism or simple curiosity, but I find that once I care about someone deeply, I want to know how they are. To keep them in my life, even if it’s from the relative safety of my computer screen.
It’s a weird time to be alive. Our Facebook pages will outlive us all. We record our most inane experiences for the world to see (nice coffee foam pic, by the way). And, thanks to social media, our relationships are now both fleeting and forever.
This is the first guy you’re dating, so it’s understandable that you are experiencing jealousy. Also, you are far from alone. Lots of research has shown that using Facebook can lead to a number of crappy mental health consequences, including low self-esteem, depression and, yes, jealousy. But even if you did convince your dude to delete every photo of his exes (and I do not recommend you try), it would not delete the fact that he has a past.
He’s had girlfriends. He’s had relationships. He had an entire life before he met you—and so did you. This is what you have to come to terms with, not the fact that he has photos of his exes on Facebook, which, by the way, you should stop looking at. No one is forcing you to analyze his ex’s duck-lips-and-peace-sign poses. So save yourself the torture and stop looking at them. Fer real.
Trust him when he says “It’s nothing” and “It’s just memories.” It might be a different story if he were, you know, going on dates with his ex. But he’s not. He’s going on dates with YOU. And it’s not because you “resemble” his ex. It’s because you are awesome and 1,000 times better than some pixelated photos on the internet.
Remember also that what we see on social media isn’t “reality.” It’s a composed, distorted and polished version of people’s lives. No one is like, “I just drank wine out of a measuring cup because I’m too lazy to wash a dish. Yay, depression!” It’s tempting to compare our lives to the ones we see depicted on social media, but it’s smart to remember that what we see on FB is not the whole story—far from it.
He has a past and you have a past, but don’t let that make you doubt your self-worth. Think instead about what you have now. When you find yourself starting to feel envy about his exes, consciously stop and focus instead on what you’re grateful for in your own life. Studies show that even a few minutes of gratitude check-ins can considerably help your mood.
You don’t have other relationships to look back on, so you have to look forward. This is your reality: You’re in love with a guy you’re dating. Maybe it’s headed somewhere and maybe it’s not. Whether it works out will depend a great deal on trust.
Good luck, ARG, and keep your face forward (not on some blue screen).
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email [email protected]. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.
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