There’s a “Calvin and Hobbes” comic in which Calvin, fist toward the sky, says, “Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
A recent column by the baiduhai’s Heidi Stevens that touched on the downside to happiness —and how it relates to the expectations parents put on their kids — reminded me of that comic. Isn’t that what we all want? Euphoria in all the things we do? Nothing but happiness? But I also know how unattainable it is to be happy all the time. It’s exhausting.
Stevens talked with John Duffy, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist about happiness. He said, “Real happiness only exists in contrast. You have to know something besides happiness in order to understand true happiness.”
I certainly wish that had been communicated to me while I was growing up. I spent the majority of my life bottling up my feelings. If something was bothering me, I’d push it down and never let it see light again. I wanted to attain happiness, and nothing could get in my way. And I told myself it was fine.
Here’s the thing: I was lying. The more I held my feelings inside, the more anxious and deeply unhappy I became. I was lying to myself by saying, ‘This is for the best’ because I didn’t think being sad was worth talking about. That my feelings weren’t meant to be felt. The more I held my feelings inside, the easier it was for me to convince myself that nobody cared.
A few months ago, I sat down with a therapist. It was the first time I ever admitted to anyone that I was sad. And that I had no reason for feeling that way.
“How do you feel today?”
“I feel sad, and I don’t want to.”
“You’ll never feel better if you don’t just let yourself feel sadness.”
For the first time ever, I just felt what I needed to feel.
Sometimes, you have to pick your battles. I’m not saying the battles I have picked have been the right ones. Trust me, they haven’t. I often swing and miss when I think I’m going to hit it out of the park. Shit happens. Gestures backfire. I’ve learned by making mistakes over and over again.
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But for the longest time, I thought leaning on people was frowned upon, that being sad was unacceptable, that people are burdened by your problems. Being sad shouldn’t be a burden. Being sad shouldn’t be something you’re ashamed of. Because eventually things get better even if they have to get worse first.
Duffy also told Stevens, “There’s no joy in being happy all the time. The range is the richness. If we miss that, we’re leading one-dimensional lives.”
The truth is, happiness isn’t good enough for me. I demand to feel everything.