It’s that time of year again. The sun is out, flowers are blooming and your refrigerator is covered in save the dates. Whether this is your first official wedding season or your fifth, there are a lot of awkward questions that arise when your friends start getting hitched. Can you ditch that pricey bachelorette party in Mexico? Is it OK to Snapchat the ceremony? Invite the cutie you just met on Bumble? Stand up to a pushy maid of honor? We asked three Chicago-area etiquette specialists the tough questions so you don’t have to.
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I’m already standing up in a few weddings this year and can’t afford to swing another. How do I politely turn down an invitation to be a bridesmaid or groomsman?
Well, Mr. or Miss Popular, this one is actually quite easy. According to Akilah Easter, etiquette coach and owner of EtiquetteFemme, you can simply say just that. “If you’re between the age of 18 and 30, it’s really likely that’s not in your budget,” Easter said. However, if you have any time to offer support to the bride or groom, do so.
How many dates should I go on with someone before bringing him or her as my plus one to a wedding?
If you’re not in a relationship, don’t consider it, said Leontina Richardson, founder of Chicago etiquette consulting firm Stepping into Etiquette. “No random Tinder dates,” she said. Noted.
I can’t afford the destination bachelor or bachelorette party. What should I do?
For some, flying to Las Vegas for the weekend (and subsequently spending an entire paycheck on booze) just isn’t in the cards. Any bride or groom should understand that. “Just come right out and say that,” said Nancy Connolly of the Etiquette School of Chicago. Still, that doesn’t exclude you from helping out with planning games, activities and accommodations. And don’t forget to send a gift along in your place or call ahead to order a round of drinks wherever they’re going.
Do I need to bring a gift to every single shower I attend?
Sometimes the pre-wedding celebrations can seem excessive, but every bride is different and multiple showers might be in order. Whether you’re in the wedding party or attending as a friend, giving a gift at every shower adds up fast. However, don’t freak and buy out the entire registry. One gift for one shower will do, Connolly said.
Can I Snapchat my friend’s wedding?
This question got a resounding “Hell no” from all three etiquette experts. Just don’t.
But what about Instagram?
The experts were much more flexible with Instagram, of course. If the couple picked a hashtag (which is more likely than not these days), that means they’re open to you posting pictures of the goings-on at the wedding and reception. However, bridesmaids, be sure to not post pictures of the bride’s dress until after she gives the OK. And no unfortunate photos of the bride or groom, either, no matter how funny you think it would be. “You could play it safe by getting approval first,” Easter said.
What’s the best way to deal with a pushy best man or maid of honor?
While these two characters typically lead the wedding party, the novel-length emails, monetary demands and coordinated outfit requirements can get old fast. In the words of Kanye West, “No one man should have all that power.” Sometimes a reality check is in order. If it gets to the point where you can’t grin and bear it, coordinate with the rest of your side of the wedding party and call a meeting to address it. “Whatever you do, do not bring it to the bride,” Richardson said.
Do I need to bring a gift to the wedding?
A gift is always expected, but don’t feel like you have to lug a crockpot or marble cheese board to the reception. Have the gift shipped to the couple’s home via their registry. It saves everyone time. “Someone from the bridal party is [going to] have to carry that back to the bridal suite,” Richardson said. “The last thing they want to be doing after a reception is worrying about how to get everything back.”
Can I just give cash? And if so, how much is appropriate?
Perhaps the most Googled wedding etiquette question, this one is fiercely debated. While all three of our experts said you can give money in lieu of a registry item, the amount isn’t always easy to figure out. Easter said you should give enough to cover the cost of your plate (and your date’s plate, if you bring one), but Connolly said that’s not always the way to go. “You should be giving a gift that is equal to the relationship you have with a person,” she explained. “And be sure to only give within your financial capabilities.” Whether that means $75 or $150 is totally up to you.
How do I know what kind of gift to give?
Registry, registry, registry. If you’re not going to give cash, “The registry is king,” Easter said. “Don’t assume they’d want something that’s not on their registry.” So yeah, that monogrammed toaster that can’t be returned is probably out of the question.
If I’m in the wedding party and have already purchased gifts along the way, do I need to buy something for the actual wedding?
By the time the wedding itself rolls around, groomsmen and bridesmaids will have shelled out a pretty penny on celebrations and showers. Traditionally, the parties are expected to come together to get the couple a small gift. The bride and groom will have gifts for you, too.
How much is too much if there’s an open bar?
Know your limits. An open bar isn’t a free pass to get wasted and make out with the best man or maid of honor. “Don’t do anything that would distract from the fact that this day is about the couple,” Easter said. And, most importantly, don’t do anything embarrassing. “Stay away from the microphone,” Connolly added.
What should I wear?
The invitation will likely state the expected attire, but if not, don’t be afraid to ask the bride or groom for clarification.
If this guide doesn’t cover your uncomfortable wedding question, our experts agree that you should always ask the bride or groom (or someone in the wedding party). The key to a successful big day is open communication and respect. It’s not every day that your friend/co-worker/cousin dedicates the rest of his or her life to another human being. Act the part.