It’s springtime 2016, and this year a sure sign of the season is the return of various migratory birds to the campaign trail. Recent sightings include:
The yellow-headed trump
Native to New York City, the yellow-headed trump has been spotted in almost every state of the union. Easily identified by its intricately interwoven golden hair, this bird is known for its ability to sing the same song over and over again without variation. Often heard warbling its distinctive cry “huge,” “huge,” “huge.”
The right-winged cruz
Native to Texas, the right-winged cruz is noted for its significantly larger right wing, resulting in odd flight patterns and unpredictable positions. Despite exhibiting a superficial alliance to birds of a similar feather, the right-winged cruz alienates even those who share nesting spots in the Senate. In Washington, this bird is also known as the leather-lunged loon.
The wingless kasich
This Ohio bird is remarkable for its stamina and surprising ability to maintain flight in the absence of any wings or supporting currents. It defies gravity by continuing its desired Washington-bound path. However, if the yellow-headed trump and the right-winged cruz should collide in midair, the wingless kasich may surprise everyone and fly straight up the middle.
The perennial clinton
Once thought to originate in Illinois, the perennial clinton was identified as an Arkansas species and later a native of New York. Wherever this bird perches, however, it is always able to successfully mimic the local cries of its current habitat. Having previously nested in the White House, it labors ceaselessly to return.
The left-leaning sanders
This unusual bird is from Vermont by way of Brooklyn. Bearing a somewhat disheveled appearance, the left-leaning sanders has a tendency to wildly flap its wings when calling out to other birds. Has a distinctive cry of “billionaires,” “billionaires,” “billionaires.” Also shows a tendency to take from richer birds and give to poorer ones.
The pileated palin
A rare northern species, the pileated palin hails from Alaska but now spends time following the yellow-headed trump around the country. This bird’s coiffed crest and elaborate plumage attract much attention, as does its repetitive cry of “you betcha,” “you betcha.” Often sings in an awkward, hard-to-decipher voice.
The low-energy bush
The low-energy bush is rarely spotted these days, in Washington or anywhere for that matter. That’s surprising, given this bird’s historically rich feeding grounds and the previous success of others of the same flock. Despite its earlier forceful cries of “Jeb!” “Jeb!” “Jeb!”, the low-energy bush was scared off by the yellow-headed trump.
The lame duck obama
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The lame duck obama is mistakenly thought by some to be native to Kenya. In fact, this Washington-perched bird is from Chicago by way of Hawaii. Noted for its melodious tones, the lame duck obama seems to have recently lost its voice. It will fly off to a new perch in January.
David Martin lives in Ottawa, Ontario. He is the author of “Screams & Whispers,” a humor collection.