In case the Internet, your calendar or the resin you’ve yet to scrape off your bowl haven’t told you yet, today is 4/20, which is effectively Christmas for people who indulge in marijuana (not that they wouldn’t smoke it any other day). Even though it’s not yet legal in Illinois for recreational use, it’s a drug that 44 percent of Americans say they’ve tried according to a recent Gallup poll.
While I have to admit that I’ve met too many obnoxious stoners to have a totally positive opinion of weed culture, I will say that marijuana users are unique for how clever they have been in coming up with euphemisms and slang terms for it. Because of that, I’ve decided to give an objectively correct and unimpeachable ranking of the ones I could think of.
24. Drugs
Only if you’re a mom.
23. Hemp
I bought way too expensive soap made out of this stuff from Whole Foods. It doesn’t even smell good!
22. Loud
Like a Phish show: not good.
21. Cannabis
OK, Bill Nye the Science Guy
20. Magic Dragon
Amazingly, RedEye’s Millennial intern Lena offered this one up as a suggestion. Nice one, grandma!
19. Hash
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Sorry, kids, the only hash I indulge in are hash browns at the Waffle House. Smothered, covered and chunked, please.
18. Dope
Have you seen that movie? I kind of liked it. I think it’s on Netflix now.
17. Herb
This term reminds me of the kid who tried to buy marijuana for the first time and ended up getting a bag of oregano. For that, Christopher, I’m sorry.
16. Mary Jane
I think Kirsten Dunst is pretty underrated and that “Spider-Man 2” is one of the best superhero movies.
15. Doobage
*Giggles*
14. Ganj
See below.
13. Ganja
God, did you hear about that awful blackface-y Bob Marley Snapchat filter today? Who OK’d that?
12. Kush
A good one, but it’s an overrated one. I don’t make the rules.
11. Green
Save the trees.
10. Tree
See above. Also, an excellent Chicago rapper.
9. Chronic
You should read my review of Dr. Dre’s latest album, “Compton.” It’s not as good as “The Chronic,” but not much is.
8. Doobie
The term is better than the Brothers. Fight me, dads.
7. The pot drug
My editor asked me, “Josh, do people really say ‘the pot drug’?” The answer is no, but people should.
6. Bud
This sentence “Drink Bud, while smoking some bud with your buds while watching ‘Air Bud,'” will be my secret weapon if I ever find myself in a rap battle.
5. Devil’s Lettuce
Howdy doody, neighbor!
4. Weed
Sometimes simpler is better.
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3. Pot
See above.
2. Grass
The first swear word I ever said was “ass” because I heard “your ass is grass” on TV and thought it was so funny.
1. Jazz Cigarette
This is the best euphemism for marijuana. It just is.
@joshhterry | [email protected]
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