Dear Anna,
My good friend (a woman in her mid-20s) is dating a guy 10 years her senior. Not a problem in and of itself, but he treats her like crap (is a mooch, interrupts when she’s speaking, disappears for days without talking to her, etc.), and I strongly suspect he is cheating on her. I don’t have concrete evidence of this, but she also has suspicions, based on his sneaking-around behavior and hiding text messages. I guess what I want to know is, do I say something to her? Do I interfere in her love life? How do I know if being a good friend is telling the truth or keeping my mouth shut? —Friend Or Foe
Dear FOF,
It’s both. Being a good friend means telling the truth in circumstances that are difficult, especially when you feel that friend is being harmed in some way.
And being a good friend also means accepting that she’s probably not going to change a damn thing about her situation, no matter how excellent and astute your advice may be.
People are gonna do what they want to do, regardless of how other, well-meaning people who care about them feel about it. But take heart! Those in less-than-stellar relationships generally tend to figure out eventually that they’re in less-than-stellar relationships and move on. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but it would behoove you not to dwell too hard on it.
Speak your truth, lay out your reasons for not liking Mr. Disappearing Mooch and then “keep your mouth shut” by listening to your friend’s side of the story and accepting that it’s her life and she’ll live it as she sees fit.
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If your friend suspects he is cheating on her, then it’s very probable that she already knows this dude isn’t her perfect soulmate, and hearing a good friend reaffirm that suspicion may be the kick in the pants she needs to kick the relationship.
But then again, maybe not. Never underestimate the heart’s capacity for denial and delusion.
Have you heard the story about the howling dog? The short version is this: A dog is howling in agony day in and day out. A neighbor overhears and goes next door to figure out what’s wrong. The owner tells the neighbor that the dog is sitting on a nail, which is why he’s howling. “Why doesn’t he get off the nail?” the neighbor asks. The owner replies, “Because it doesn’t hurt bad enough yet.”
We all have nails that we’re sitting on. Some are career nails (a job we hate but don’t leave); some are personal goal nails (a passion we want to explore or business we want to start but haven’t); and some are relationship nails (being with someone who doesn’t fulfill us).
Most of the time, we recognize these nails, but rather than take action or make a change, we just sit and howl. Because it doesn’t hurt bad enough.
Your friend may be sitting on a dirtbag boyfriend nail, but worrying yourself overmuch about the problems of other people is another kind of nail, too. Try not to get too caught up in the pains of others and instead focus on what you can change (yourself, and your reactions to things).
Once you’ve gotten that down, you’ll know you’ve, well, nailed it.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email [email protected]. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.