Scene: Deep in the inner recesses of Wrigley Field, in a plush, carpeted office, Chicago Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts sits in an oversized leather chair. One of his top public relations people has been waiting to see him. He is escorted in, and Ricketts motions for him to sit down at a beautiful mahogany table.
Ricketts: I called you in because I want to line up who is going to throw out the first ball at Wrigley when we make the World Series this fall. It’ll be historic, you know.
PR: Boss, isn’t that a little premature? It’s not even Opening Day yet. We may not even win the pennant. There’s still some questions about our relief pitching, and our infield defense, and we don’t even know where to play Kyle Schwarber.
Ricketts (dismissing this with a wave): Theo Epstein has assured me that everything is in place. Now, for the first game I was thinking about having President Obama on the mound for the first pitch.
PR: (taken aback slightly): Well, we can handle the security, but I see two problems.
Ricketts: What?
PR: Well, for one, the president is a White Sox fan. And the other is that he’s a basketball player. Did you see him throw a pitch from the mound a couple of years ago? He bounced it in. It was a little embarrassing.
Ricketts: Well, let’s keep the president on the short list anyway. How about Hillary?
PR: Sir, Google it. Hillary is a Yankee fan. What if we wind up playing the Yankees?
Ricketts: I see what you mean. What about Bernie?
PR: Well, the good news is he probably remembers the last time the Cubs were in the World Series. But I’m afraid we might have to accommodate all of his supporters who come with him. And he’d probably insist that they get in for free.
Ricketts: OK, let’s look at Republicans. How about Trump?
The PR guy stares at Ricketts for a half minute. He says nothing. Gradually, an uncomfortable silence fills the room.
Ricketts: All right, I get it. How about Cruz?
The PR guy stares again at Ricketts for half a minute.
Ricketts: OK, how about John Kasich?
PR: With all due respect, sir, who is that?
Ricketts: OK, forget about politicians. How about a real Chicago celebrity. What about Oprah?
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PR: Sir, Oprah moved to Los Angeles.
Ricketts: What about Michael Jordan?
PR: Same thing, boss. Michael moved away years ago.
Ricketts: Bill Murray?
PR: Well, Bill Murray doesn’t live here anymore either, but he’d probably be willing to come back to throw the first pitch. But don’t you think he’s a bit … um, overexposed?
Ricketts: Keep him on the short list with the president. You know, we could always get Jim Belushi.
PR: (starts sobbing uncontrollably, picks up a pencil from the desk and starts stabbing himself in the thigh repeatedly): Please, boss. NOT Belushi. ANYBODY but Belushi.
Ricketts: OK, Belushi is out. By the way, you’re bleeding. Take my handkerchief. Well, what are we going to do? We need someone to throw out the first ball in October for our first Series game. Someone who is willing to get out on the mound on national television, throw that pitch, and not be worried about getting embarrassed. It has to be a person whose face just screams “Chicago” to the whole world when you look at them. Who do we get who can do all that?
PR: I’ve got just the man.
Ricketts: Who?
PR: Steve Bartman.
Ricketts: You’re fired.
Cory Franklin is a Wilmette physician and author of “Cook County ICU: 30 Years of Unforgettable Patients and Odd Cases.”