Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted nine of the 28 competing women (the twins count as one person—what? Don’t look at us like that). Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
Well, it’s just me. I’m so good at drafting contestants (i.e. living, breathing humans) that I’ve outlasted my cohorts by several weeks. It’s not a skill to brag about. “Masterful ‘Bachelor’ drafter” isn’t exactly something that you put on your resume.
It’s a shame, too, because this cluster of an episode would have been way more enjoyable if Josh Terry and Morgan Olsen were backing women in the race. Instead, I have to watch as my team eats its own tail.
Team One – 20 points
Becca, Jessica, Olivia, Izzy, Samantha, Lace, Jami, Amber, Mandi
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ELIMINATED in week seven.
Team Two – 23 points
Jennifer, Shushanna, Amanda, Jackie, Tiara, Lauren H., Laura, Jubilee, Breanne
ELIMINATED in week eight.
Team Three – 41 points
Caila, LB, JoJo, Leah, Lauren B., Lauren R., Rachel, Twins, Maegan
The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. The first rule of “The Bachelor” is you don’t say “I love you” until the end when there’s just one woman standing in front of you. Why? Um, I don’t know, bro, because you’re going to propose to one of these women and it’s not going to be super fun to explain to her how in love you were with another girl just hours before you proposed.
Ben and his harem gather in the Sandals Jamaica resort (just like Jan and Michael Scott in “The Office,” FYI). First up is Caila, who has perfect hair no matter what the producers throw at her. Hard hat, tropical humidity, romp between the sheets—nothing can mess up Caila’s glorious hair. But that doesn’t appear to be important to Ben, because she says she loves him, he nods nervously and then moves to kiss her so he doesn’t have to say anything.
Lauren continues to have this thing wrapped up. You can just tell by the kind of date Ben picks for her—releasing baby sea turtles and late-night dancing? That’s a guy who’s trying. Caila just got to float down a river. Lauren also tells Ben she loves him and he SAYS IT BACK. Wait, what? Where is Chris Harrison to tell Ben he can’t do this? Are there no rules anymore? We obviously need Donald Trump to make America great again because this is anarchy!
But that’s not all. JoJo comes bounding to Ben in what I can only assume was once a full shirt before she ruined it in the washing machine. They go on a helicopter ride and she assures him that her brothers are only crazy because they love her so much and they’ll love him too eventually (even though I think that’s a lost dream now). When she says she loves him, he says it back.
Ben, no. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works!
Poor Caila. Once my shining star, the girl is now an afterthought. The producers lure her into a car with glasses of wine and promises of Neil Lane diamonds and then convince her it’s a good idea for her to surprise Ben as they drive her there. He dumps her with excruciating incoherence and she gets all fiery for some promo material for her season of “The Bachelorette.”
And the cycle continues.
Lauren Chval is a RedEye contributor. @lchval