Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted nine of the 28 competing women (the twins count as one person—what? Don’t look at us like that). Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
Imagine you have a daughter. You bring her home from the hospital in one of those impossibly tiny hats, you tuck her into bed at night, you teach her how to ride a bike.
Now imagine one day she decides to go on a reality TV show called “The Bachelor,” where she drinks obscene amounts of white wine and competes with 25 other women for one generic, white-bread dude from Indiana. What is he, a doctor? A lawyer? Heir to a giant fortune? Nope. He’s a software salesman.
Let’s say your daughter beats out enough of the other women to get a hometown date. She brings aforementioned generic dude into your home, basically sobbing that she loves him after only two dates and can’t wait to marry him.
You’ve done your research. You know if she makes it through this week, he’s taking your precious baby girl into what’s called the “fantasy suite” to bang her for hours on end.
So, what do you do? Do you support her deluded dreams or do you sabotage her in hopes of protecting her from this nationally televised shame?
Team One – 20 points
Becca, Jessica, Olivia, Izzy, Samantha, Lace, Jami, Amber, Mandi
ELIMINATED in week seven.
Team Two – 23 points
Jennifer, Shushanna, Amanda, Jackie, Tiara, Lauren H., Laura, Jubilee, Breanne
I can’t believe hometown dates have come and gone and we’re already heading into fantasy suite debauchery next week. Even more shocking is the fact that I genuinely enjoyed all four of the women who got to introduce Ben to their families this week. There’s not a bad seed in the bunch. Still, someone had to go home, and just as I predicted, it was my final player, Amanda.
Though her children are totally adorable (do they make those gladiator sandals in adult sizes?), Ben looked a little panicked when Charlie lost her shit in the car and Amanda’s dad asked tough questions about parenthood. Can we all agree that this situation could have used a bottle of sparkling rosé and JoJo’s mom for moral support?
Ultimately, Amanda handled rejection like a champ (though I see her point about hauling ass back to L.A. when she has two kids at home) and left Ben in a puddle of his own tears. You better believe I’ll still be watching and judging from afar—Ben’s about to break rule No. 1 of “The Bachelor” and tell two girls he loves them. This should be good. And by good, I mean very, very bad.
—Morgan Olsen
Team Three – 39 points
Caila, LB, JoJo, Leah, Lauren B., Lauren R., Rachel, Twins, Maegan
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Hometown dates are weird. They’re either really boring or really bad. Of course, they went exceedingly well for Lauren and Caila, who had nothing to show but nice, only mildly concerned families. At one point, Lauren’s sister Molly asked Ben what he loves about her and he couldn’t think of anything so he just started crying. Molly took this as a good thing, but I see it as a good-lord-please-run red flag.
And then there was JoJo. Poor girl must have drawn the short stick this week. Let’s talk about that ridiculously planted ex-boyfriend stunt. On the day she returned for hometowns, her ex Chad (seriously, Chad) left a vase of RED ROSES on her doorstep along with a three-page letter saying he wants her back. Just 20 minutes before Ben is due to arrive. What timing, Chad! You’re either the luckiest guy in the world or you had a little help from the producers on this one. JoJo called Chad to give him a verbal middle finger, but Ben (who’s unlovable, remember?) seemed a little skittish about the whole thing. Strike one for JoJo.
Then we have her weird family, giving off vaguely incestuous vibes. Her brothers shouted and flexed their muscles in tight sweaters like fratty monsters before kissing her many times and lifting her off the floor in a hug. “We really love JoJo,” one of them says. Yeah, bro. We got that.
They asked Ben how he feels about their sister, and he spoke vaguely without really giving an answer, but the subtext is this: “I can’t say definitively how I feel about your sister until we bang in the fantasy suite next week.” Her brothers aren’t into him, and they have a confrontation in the kitchen that causes JoJo’s mom to drink directly from a bottle of wine. Strike two for JoJo.
Let’s hope you’re really good in the sack, Jo, or next week will be the end for you.
—Lauren Chval