I’m at a place in my life where if I go to a party and the hosts have a 30 pack of cheap beer in the fridge and maybe some guacamole, I’ll be happy. In other news, I’m not nominated for any Oscars this year but if I were, I’d be getting this swanky, totally ridiculous gift bag from Distinctive Assets. Basically, these super-expensive (valued at $232,000) and wasteful things (valued at $232,000) are filled with items as bonkers as a “glamping” trip and a “vampire breast lift” among other things and serve as expensive advertisements given to famous people. Hooray for the excesses of capitalism!
Also, these aren’t authorized gift bags (the Oscars stopped officially handing them out in 2006). Over the years, the Academy has continually distanced itself from these lavish gift bags handed out by outside companies, going so far as to sue Distinctive Assets this year. According to the Academy, the bags have hurt its reputation because the media (hi!) have focused on the “less-than-wholesome nature of some of the products contained in the bags,” as if its not a Hollywood organization. Either way, the nominees will continue to get these bags and promptly throw them away or donate them to charity or something.
Because, well I don’t know, why not? Let’s take a look at some of the items in these bags, which, like I mentioned earlier, are valued at $232,000 a piece. We’ve got…
A Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer, worth $249.99 (“The Planet of the Vapes,” am I right?)
A 15-day “walking tour” of Japan, worth $45,000 (How much do you make in a year?)
3 private training sessions with “celebrity wellness expert” Jay Cardiello, worth $1,400
A 10-day, first-class trip to Israel along with a private security escort, worth $55,000 (I’m still having trouble paying $200 for a trip to New Orleans)
Personalized M&Ms, worth $300 (What a steal!)
Chapstick, worth $6 (Actually, kind of thoughtful)
Hydroxycut Gummies, worth $19.88 (Are these like gummy bears?)
Signature Vodka, worth $70 (I need that after writing this)
Vampire Breast Lift, worth $1,900 (Hey, I Googled that for you
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.)Joseph’s Toiletries toilet paper, worth $275 (It’s like wiping your ass with a good chunk of rent money!)
OK, I’m done writing about this. Read the full list of expensive shit here and understand that this marketing firm spent more than you make a year to give a goody bag to a famous person. Time to ask for a raise!
@joshhterry | [email protected]
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