Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted nine of the 28 competing women (the twins count as one person—what? Don’t look at us like that). Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
This week, the key to Ben’s heart was being able to place Indiana on a map. Indiana, Indiana. You belong somewhere in here. You’re vaguely rectangular? You look like Illinois’ shorter, more awkward little brother. Indiana. Hmm, no. Not ringing any bells.
It was a weird week. Dates included visiting a high school, a “Ride Along” (see it in theaters) with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube and a trip to a love lab for Ben to sniff the girls. The smelliest girl went home. No, really, she did.
Best of all, ABC has blessed us with not one, but two blossoming villains. Olivia and Lace, are you here for THE RIGHT REASONS?
Team One – 12 points
Becca, Jessica, Olivia, Izzy, Samantha, Lace, Jami, Amber, Mandi
More Top Picks Best Warm Light Bulbs For Migraine Sufferers
Man, I’m having a hard time actually thinking about ABC’s “The Bachelor” because of David Bowie’s passing. When you’re not thinking about the loss of your idol, it’s easier to consume soul-crushing reality television. So forgive me in advance if I clearly don’t give a shit.
Two questions: 1). How sad is N.W.A.’s Ice Cube for appearing on this show for the apparently grueling promotional campaign for “Ride Along 2”? 2). No shots to Amos Lee, who is actually not a Jimmy Fallon-impersonation of a Zach Braff soundtrack, but if he’s one of Ben’s favorite artists, is Ben’s iPod the playlist of an Ohio Starbucks?
These questions don’t have immediate answers, so I’m going to sidestep to talk about my team. As it turns out, I picked the show’s two villains: Lace and Olivia. Granted, because of either general chemistry with Ben or producers wanting to keep them on, I think these two are going to stick around for a long while. At this point, Olivia and possibly Becca are my only shots at winning this whole thing. I think Olivia is good frontrunner. There’s clearly a spark here and she seems to be smarter than some of the competition. Whether that’s wit or conniving malice, I’m not sure. Still trying to figure out if Olivia is a Slytherin or a Gryffindor. Jesus, am I pathetic.
So yeah, let’s say goodbye to Samantha, who apparently smelled sour (not unlike Chinese food?) in the bizarre Love Lab segment, and Mandi, who didn’t really have a shot as soon as she gave Ben a dental exam on the first episode. Amber, who didn’t talk to Ben at all this episode, miraculously moved on because who can resist the charms of a Chicago bartender? Meanwhile, Jami slowly inched by on her Canadian charm.
At this point, I hope my entire team loses in the next few weeks. I miss my Mondays. Wasn’t that Love Lab segment bizarre? It’s as if FiveThirtyEight predicted not only the presidential election, but pheromones in Ohio University’s pledge week.
The real question is how dead inside is Chris Harrison? I’ve seen less convincing zombies on “The Walking Dead.”
—Josh Terry
Team Two – 11 points
Jennifer, Shushanna, Amanda, Jackie, Tiara, Lauren H., Laura, Jubilee, Breanne
Wow. I forgot how much I truly enjoy producer-planned dates on “The Bachelor.” WTF-worthy outings, outrageously sexist activities and corporate-traded celebrities are just some of the highlights from these moments. All of my ladies ended up on group dates and had the chance to vie for Ben’s attention while bobbing for apples or staring at photos of diamonds and babies.
Jennifer, Jackie, Jubliee and Lauren H. traveled back in time to high school, where they were challenged to “make Ben’s volcano explode” in a science experiment, bob for apples in the lunchroom, place the state of Indiana on a map and shoot free throws. This all leads me to believe Ben peaked during his senior year of high school. My team had a tough time: Jubilee partnered up with Lace (?!?!) and Jackie was called out for being subpar with her mouth. Later that night, Jubilee and Jennifer amended those poor oral skills by making out with Ben during their respective one-on-one time.
By the time I finished cursing myself for not drafting Caila, my other players were gearing up for the second group date, a field trip to Dr. Love’s office. The good doctor, who couldn’t be bothered to answer the door himself and sent a iPad robot to meet the ladies, ran a series of bizarre experiments to score the women’s connection with Ben on a 10-point scale. We heard Sushanna utter her first English words of the season. She talked about cabbage and what she brought to the U.S.: $400, one pair of jeans, two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka. Really, it seems like a decent starter pack for the American dream.
Amanda gabbed about her kids and, like most mom-testants, started to doubt her place on the show. But Ben squashed all fears at the cocktail party, when he invited her to make rose-studded barrettes for her girls. AWWW. By the end of the episode, it was time for my very own small-mouth Jackie to pack her bags and work on her apple-bobbing skills at home. MVP status goes to Jubilee and Jennifer, who haven’t revealed dual personalities or a drinking problem just yet.
—Morgan Olsen
Team Three – 13 points
Caila, LB, JoJo, Leah, Lauren B., Lauren R., Rachel, Twins, Maegan
Wow, LB, you really let a fellow Lauren down. I was pitching a perfect game this week until you decided to deny your rose. Come on, girl. Just take the rose and quit next week. Let’s break the rest of this down.
Caila: First one-on-one! The stuff dreams are made of. She charmed with her easygoing cuteness and seemed just as bland as Ben. These two crazy kids could make it work.
JoJo: Started from the bottom now we’re here! Seriously. You walked out of the limo in a unicorn mask, and now you’re getting group date roses and kisses on rooftops. What a Cinderella story. Also, how sad was it when you said this was the happiest day of your life? Let’s get you in some therapy, boo.
Leah and Lauren B.: OK, sure, you guys didn’t have anything to do this week, but Ben said that was because he felt comfortable with your initial connection. And he had an intern print off a screenshot of his first chat with Lauren B.! ABC missed an opportunity for printer product placement with that one.
Twins: Can we get two separate identities soon? You’re killing me.
Rachel will soon be a forgettable footnote on this otherwise epic team. Epic meaning they’re doing well, not that they’re interesting. Josh drafted all the crazies.
—Lauren Chval
More Top Picks Power Station