One major key to defusing bullying among young people is to concentrate not just on the perpetrator, not just on the victim, but on the bystanders who can either provide the bully with his psychological reward or shame him into stopping.
More Top Picks Best Turntables With Speakers
That was one word to parents as Elgin School District U46 and a group of its parents mark National Bullying Prevention Month with a seminar on U46’s anti-bullying programs and a 3-mile walk held by students at Canton Middle School in Streamwood on Wednesday. The activities will climax Sunday with the “Stand Up for the Victims of Bullying Unity Rally” from 1 to 4 p.m. along the Fox River bank behind Gail Borden Public Library in Elgin.
Sunday’s rally is being organized by a new group, the Illinois chapter of Stand for the Silent, a 510(c)3 not-for-profit group headed by Sandy Reeves, of Hanover Park.
“My husband and I started the Illinois chapter of Stand for the Silent after our only daughter was hospitalized not once but twice after suffering brutal harassment and bullying all through junior high school,” Reeves said. “Beyond the physical torment she was forced to endure, a terrible campaign of malicious verbal abuse also ensued, detailing threats against her person and her boyfriend and vicious anti-Semitic slurs against her religious and ethnic heritage.”
Reeves said she and her husband finally discovered what was going on by looking at their daughter’s social media accounts and learning that she had been “cutting” herself. Two hospitalizations followed, with a medical bill of $70,000. “If we had not been fortunate enough to know her Facebook password and discover the horrible extent of the abuse for ourselves, she might not still be alive today,” Reeves said.
Reeves joined the District U46 officials in charge of combating bullying during a seminar hosted by the U46 Citizens Advisory Council on Oct. 8. John Heiderscheidt, U46’s director of safety and school culture; Sue Smith, the coordinator of multitiered support systems; and Randal Ellison, the coordinator of discipline, explained what they each do to discourage bullying, punish its perpetrators and support its victims.
Smith said bystanders are a key to ending in-person bullying because the bully is harassing his victim in order to win tacit praise from the people who are looking on. How bystanders react can either pour gasoline onto the fire or smother the fire.
Smith said a number of high school students are being trained as anonymous “safe school ambassadors.” When they see bullying going on, they are trained to offer supporting comments to the victim and to encourage other bystanders not to reinforce the harassment.
She said students are taught to respond to bullying incidents based on the acronym SWAT — say “stop,” walk away and Tell.
“When you walk way from the bullying, you take away the power of the bully,” Smith said.
But Reeves said her daughter’s case, in which the harassment came mainly online, shows that social media has added a whole new dimension to bullying that today’s parents didn’t have to worry about when they were young. Harassment no longer has to be done in person.
Ellison said one problem he faces when dealing with the angry parent of a victim is that student confidentiality rules prevent him from telling the parent what, if any, punishment was imposed on the alleged bully. The best he can do, Ellison said, is to show the victim’s parent the U46 Code of Student Conduct and its list of possible “consequences” that can result from such behavior.
Now that the district has a policy of minimizing out-of-school suspensions and expulsions, the bully’s punishment may be even harder for the victim to notice, Ellison said. “But I will tell you that suspending the bully so he comes back angry two days later is not a good idea.”
“If you tell us, we will investigate it,” Heiderscheidt told the 50-plus mothers and fathers attending the advisory council seminar — even if that report is sent in anonymously to the new email address [email protected].
“Our first line of defense is you,” Ellison told the parents. He and Heiderscheidt said that’s because the victimized children usually are reluctant to blow the whistle.
“They tell themselves that if they ignore it, it will go away. But it never goes away,” Heiderscheidt said.
“I will have a kid who has been bullied, and I have video proving it happened, and the (victim) will still deny it” rather than complain, Ellison said.
Reeves said parents should be suspicious if their child’s grades suddenly drop. That might be because they’re being bullied but don’t want to complain.
Ellison said he sees tragedy on both sides of the bullying front.
“I can tell you stories that will break your heart,” he said. In one case, for example, a girl who previously had been well behaved suddenly started acting up. Called to meet with Ellison, she revealed that she had been sexually molested every day for the past two weeks.
Canton Middle School on Wednesday held its third annual commemoration of Bullying Awareness Month by having all students watch the documentary video “Bully” and then discuss issues that the story raises. Principal Jeff Smith said the students then heard a videotaped message from Kirk Smalley, whose son committed suicide after being bullied. The students ended the day with a 3-mile walk around the school, most of them wearing orange T-shirts since “that is the national color to stomp out bullying,” according to Canton reading teacher Anna Hallock McEvilly, who helped organize the rally.
McEvilly said money raised by the walk will be used to buy future rewards for Canton students who are observed being “respectful, responsible and ready.”
More Top Picks Best Smoker Boxes