Any teacher, recruiter or professional trainer will tell you that mastering language arts is essential to having a successful career in business. The same rule applies in fantasy football.
The language is “smack” and it truly is an art. It is as essential to a successful fantasy football career as drafting a sleeper like Tyler Eifert, starting him and sailing to a Week 1 victory.
Follow these five rules and you can easily be the talk of your league. Of course, whether that talk is actually positive is open to debate.
Rule 1: Smack talk is a sign of love
Any female reader who as a little girl was teased by a boy at the playground, cried to her mother and was told “He just did that because he likes you” understands this rule. Fantasy is no different. The best way to show someone love is to hate on their team, decisions or score in a creative way. The next time someone says “Your team’s score is uglier than you,” don’t be upset. Love is in the air.
Rule 2: No momma jokes
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Just don’t. EVER. This isn’t the movie “Stand by Me.” What year are you living in, man? If retro is your thing, try a classic like “Your posterior is grass and I’m the lawn mower.”
Rule 3: Game-day performance, or lack thereof, works well
Disses based on player performance can deflate the figurative balls of co-owners without the help of the New England Patriots grounds crew or Tom Brady. “I’m going to run over you like Matt Forte ran over the Packers defense on Sunday” can be effective, even to a Packers fan, elated with his or her team’s real-life win.
Rule 4: Attack actions, not people
A boneheaded decision by an owner like starting Jameis Winston (yes, this happened in my league) should never result in a personal attack such as, “I don’t know what stinks worse, your football decisions or your B.O.” Even if their hygiene warrants an anonymous delivery of breath mints and Axe body spray, channel Elsa from “Frozen” and just let it go. Besides, NO ONE stinks as bad as Winston did Sunday.
Rule 5: Pop culture smack is hot
Ronda Rousey’s Octagon dominance, “Star Wars” hype and Donald Trump anything. Just avoid hairy political situations.
NEXT WEEK: How to approach a friend with a trade.
Need fantasy football relationship advice? Tweet @thesoxman72.
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