Anyone who has had a pet as a child likely remembers the exhilaration they felt in naming them. It was that unwritten declaration of a lifelong fur-ever contract that they were 100 percent yours and a reflection of you often more than the pet’s appearance or mannerisms.
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Naming a fantasy football team is a lot like naming a pet. It speaks volumes about your personality, humor and even your hopes for the upcoming season. Choosing the right name can inspire fantasy in you more than a Taylor Swift-Nicki Minaj duet. Mess it up and you will find yourself the brunt of more jokes than Miley Cyrus’ wardrobe choices at this year’s VMAs.
Here are three quick tips to help you smash into your league like a wrecking ball.
Implied naughty can be nice
To avoid getting a mouthful of Irish Spring as I child I often “fake cursed” by saying phrases like “kiss my aspirin,” or “son of an itch.” Fantasy football can easily bring out the immature child in you. Not convinced? Well then Suck my Ditka (a real team name in my league this year). Embracing that inner 13-year old effectively might help you get lucky and see some huge TDs this season.
Be the alpha dog
Names like Lions and Tigers and Bears (oh my) are the fantasy equivalent of naming your dog Rover or Spot—BORING! A strong name implies dominance. It’s marking your territory without the messy leg lifting. Choose a weak name and your season could be ruff. Er, rough.
Don’t name your team after your favorite player until the draft is over
Naming your team Gronky Kong, while widely creative, will look pretty silly if Rob Gronkowski isn’t on your roster. It also tips your cap to the competition, which could be a Gronkey kick to your draft strategy.
SPEAKING OF DRAFT STRATEGIES …
If you are expecting to read about injury updates, average draft positions or sleepers, you likely also anticipate calling KanYe West “Mr. President” in 2020. Get real! This advice is likely to show you just as much a return as the endless hours otherwise spent checking the status of Adrian Foster’s groin. With that in mind:
Don’t listen to the experts
Trust me. Anyone can be considered an expert, and I mean ANYONE.
Ask your significant other
If he/she refuses to engage in your statistical interrogation, simply ask which player they think is better looking. Including them might improve their tolerance when your attention span is in the red zone on Sundays. It might even result in a highlight reel consolation score that isn’t necessarily reflected in your league’s standings.
You can thank me later.
Next week: Getting to know league owners.
Need fantasy football relationship advice? Tweet @thesoxman72.
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