Dear Anna: When I match with women on Tinder or OkCupid, they never respond. I probably send a dozen messages per day and most days never get any responses. What am I supposed to say? What are these girls expecting?
I grew up in a poor family. Even though I have a good job now and am quite cultured for a white guy, I still have not been able to get on my feet because I never had a head start from my parents. My most common emotions throughout my childhood were fear, anxiety and loneliness. So I have become a loner. On top of that, no matter how hard I try, I am just never convinced that I could possibly be seen as physically attractive. Even when a woman makes eye contact with me, or there’s a possibility that she may be checking me out or attracted to me, I am skeptical and suspicious. So I guess what I am asking is how can a young man overcome the challenges of a poor, violent upbringing in his dating life? —Trapped
Dear Trapped,
As the great entrepreneur, TV host and drag superstar RuPaul says often: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
You asked a great number of difficult questions, but I think their solutions can all be traced back to the beliefs you have about yourself—or rather, how little you believe in yourself. This is where I would focus your life’s magnifying glass, Trapped. And, to help you untangle these untrue and negative thoughts you have about yourself, I would start by getting a good therapist. If money is a concern, Google “sliding scale therapy Chicago,” and you’ll find tons of options.
While you’re hashing out your childhood demons in therapy, there are, of course, other concrete ways to start to cultivate a better relationship with yourself, which will, in turn, communicate to women that you are attractive, good and worthy of love. (Caveat: This isn’t going to be about what to say in a first online dating message, though if you’re looking for nitty-gritty, OkCupid’s blog actually has some good, data-heavy tips.)
Transforming your ideas about yourself is a far better strategy to help you approach women than memorizing some do’s and don’ts list about “what to say” in a message. Why? Because our beliefs shape our behaviors. If you tell yourself you are unattractive and no one wants you, that is what’s going to come across to the people you meet. The good news is that our negative thoughts are not only controllable, but also reversible. One way to do this is through mindfulness techniques. The super Cliffs Notes version (though I highly recommend you read up on it) of mindfulness is to notice our thoughts without judging them. The more we pay attention, the more we teach ourselves to be in control, and the easier it becomes to flip the script on negative thoughts and patterns.
Another way to become the amazing person you already are is to channel your inner Stuart Smalley through daily affirmations—that is, to write down every single thing you like about yourself (physical, mental, successwise, etc.) and repeat it regularly and often. If you’re hardcore, you can record these self-compliments and play them back to yourself at low volumes throughout the day. If you’re really struggling to come up with nice things to say about yourself, write them from the point of view of your ideal self—the self you want to be, such as, “I am confident.” “I’m clever.” “Women love talking to me.” “I’m pretty cultured for a white guy.” Et cetera. Is this hokey? Absolutely. Does it work? Yes. Science says so.
See also Amy Cuddy’s TED talk on “[faking] it till you become it.”
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Lastly, make a list of things about yourself you’re not exactly thrilled about and would like to change. Then, next to those things, list a direct action you can take to change it. Be specific. The goal is not to make you feel bad, but to realize how easy it can be to take control of your life in a meaningful way. For instance, I once had a terrible body image. Then I started doing Ashtanga yoga six days a week, which not only was a physical boon, but also served the purpose of getting me out of my head and focused on my breath, movement and, for the first few months, trying not to die every class. If you clam up when talking to new people, make it a goal to approach and talk to five strangers every day. Face your fears. With action, we are able to let go of the untrue thoughts that don’t serve us.
Above all else, practice self-compassion, Trapped. Loving yourself is the first and biggest step to loving others.