Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelorette,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: Five women of RedEye each drafted five of the 25 competing men. Everyone gets one point for every man who gets through each week.
And it’s all over! In a shocking and dramatic final episode, Kaitlyn gave her last rose to Shawn, the Ryan Gosling lookalike from Nashville. Sorry, Nick. Maybe next season, buddy. Can’t wait to see which girl from Ben H.’s season of “The Bachelor” you fall in love with through your TV screen.
As for Kaitlyn and Shawn, we have higher hopes for them than the last (already split) product of the show, Chris and Whitney. It could work, guys! She’s a dance instructor; he’s a fitness trainer. They should just open their own gym, get America in shape, maybe make a workout video series. They could call it “Abs for the Right Reasons.” We’re smelling a spinoff, ABC.
Team One – 11 points
Nick
Clint
Tony
Josh
Kupah
Brady
It’s hard for me to admit this, but I found myself oddly attached to Nick last night. Maybe it was the fact that his preteen sister was sitting in the studio audience watching her older brother get his ego crushed? Perhaps it was his awkward interaction with Neil Lane? Or maybe it was the fact that Kaitlyn told her entire family she slept with him (seriously, though, who does that?). Whatever it was, my anxiety hit a breaking point when I saw that he was the first to arrive at the mansion. According to “Bachelor” stats that I’m about to make up, 100 percent of contestants who arrive first get their hearts broken.
Kaitlyn lets Nick get halfway through his proposal, but stops him before he gets down on one knee (at this point, I was more concerned that his skinny pants would rip open). “I’m sorry,” she says. Still clinging to an $80,000 diamond ring, Nick doesn’t go down without a fight. He’s mad she let it go this far. And by this far, he means sex and sweet nothings in Ireland.
Fast forward to “After the Final Rose,” where we meet up with Nick again—he’s grown out his beard and his dress pants are somehow skinnier than ever before. Kaitlyn seems to be extra pissed at him (perhaps he reached out after the show?), and Shawn wonders why the producers didn’t order a bigger couch. On Andi Dorfman’s season, Nick uses this opportunity to put her on blast and ask why she slept with him if she didn’t love him. This time around, he asks Kaitlyn why she told him she loved him but didn’t pick him. Why must you do this, Nick? Kaitlyn looks furious and responds with one last blow: She loved them both, but she loved Shawn more.
So it goes. But hey, sources (a few of my closest friends) say Nick is still roaming the streets of Chicago. I’ll bet he hangs out at Benchmark on the weekends, so go say hi before he throws himself into another reality show spinoff.
–Morgan Olsen
Team Two – 14 points
ELIMINATED in week seven.
Team Three – 19 points
ELIMINATED in week eight.
Team Four – 13 points
ELIMINATED in week eight.
Team Five – 26 points
Shawn B.
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Ben H.
Chris
Ian
Shawn E.
I was gloating weeks ago when it became clear that I had such a massive lead that no one could ever catch me, but it is a nice cherry on top to have picked the winning horse. I remember our draft like it was yesterday—all of us gathered in the RedEye conference room, me with the last pick and taking a chance on fitness trainer Shawn B., who sort of looked like a human version of a (very buff) golden retriever.
I wish I had more funny jokes to make about Shawn, but alas, he’s too boring to mock. If only he had written Kaitlyn a bad poem (“There is electricity in your lips”) or worn a white V-neck undershirt to meet her family, then maybe I’d have something to work with. Nick was the more interesting pick, but as my fiancé said when I made him watch this with me: “I’d rather end up with the slow, boring one than the creepy villain one.”
I’ll leave you with a final note before we bow out. “The Bachelorette” orchestrates a lot of huge, romantic moments to try to inspire #relationshipgoals, but nothing felt more real than Kaitlyn asking Shawn, “Are you wearing sunscreen?” and he replied, “Yes, Mom.”
OK, ABC. You sold me. That’s real love.
–Lauren Chval