Just before the end of our journey, we arrive at the time-honored tradition of the “Men Tell All” episode. Two hours of guys you barely remember airing their grievances and reliving the most embarrassing moments of their lives on national television. Again.
It’s an opportunity, and you have two choices. Option A: Get in your final jabs, tell your side of the story and really defend your arguably indefensible actions. Option B: Realize there’s no coming back from that gross stuff you did, and just apologize a lot in hopes of rehabbing your image. Either way, your 16th minute of fame is on the line, so choose wisely and don’t squander it.
To celebrate this waste of an episode, we offer up what everyone wants at a reunion: superlatives. Who’s most likely to say more during the “Men Tell All” episode than he ever did on the show (Corey)? Who’s most likely to get called out by Chris Harrison for finally shaving his patchy-ass beard (Jared)?
Step into the spotlight, boys. We weren’t too mean.
Ben H.: Most likely to stand up for Kaitlyn at every opportunity, forever. Dude is not about to ruin that Bachelor offer that’s coming.
Ben Z.: Most likely to be “the one who got away.” The crowd favorite received the warmest welcome from the Men Tell All audience; I’m sure most of the them second his “Babe Soda” status.
Jared: Most likely to get laid and contract Chlamydia while filming “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Joshua: Most likely to never let a girlfriend cut his hair again. Even though Joshua tried to build a connection with Kaitlyn via broken hair clippers, he spent more time trying to tell her who was wrong for her than proving he was Mr. Right.
Ian: Most likely to give himself a superlative. Pro tip: If you have to explain how humble you are three times, you might be missing the point.
More Top Picks Why Fluorescent Lights Make Irlen Syndrome Worse
Corey: Most likely to become Ian’s personal investment banker/spiritual advisor/ass kisser.
Clint: Most likely to write a guide about intellectually exploring a member of the same sex without being labeled as gay.
JJ: Most likely to milk it. Of course JJ had a lot to answer for—his bromance with Clint, his turning on Clint, his emotional breakdown after all that, his general villainy early on. Without really making amends, he just milks the attention, biding his time until “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Josh: Most likely to become Chris Harrison’s apprentice, so he can help future bachelorettes pick husbands.
Tanner: Most likely to throw anyone he can under the bus. Ian, Kaitlyn, Nick—it doesn’t matter. If you remember Tanner at all (you won’t), remember him as the guy who said, “Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an asshole.”
Joe: Most likely to just go dark. For a guy who lasted eight weeks, Joe was surprisingly silent, but I’m glad to see the troll doll hair is gone.
Jonathan: Most likely to inspire a “Who?” He pipes up to complain how Kaitlyn brought on Nick, but was SHUT DOWN when she pointed out that he voted for Britt.
Kupah: Most likely to chime in with a “moo” point. Though he left long before Nick arrived, King Kupah felt the urge to express his thoughts on the unfairness of that situation.
Ryan M.: Most likely to appear at “Bachelor” events for years to come. Because he clearly has nothing better to do. His proficiency at disrobing and getting into pools (not to mention drinking) should certainly qualify him for “Bachelor in Paradise.”