Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelorette,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: Five women of RedEye each drafted five of the 25 competing men. Everyone gets one point for every man who gets through each week.
And then there were two. With the dumping of Ben “Call me The Bachelor” H., Kaitlyn has narrowed her pool of suitors down to Shawn and Nick, the greatest of mortal enemies. They’re like Batman (Shawn, for his gravelly voice) and the Joker (Nick, duh, because he’s creepy and doesn’t respect rules), these two.
They’re complete opposites! Unless you consider the fact that they’re both immature, jealous, insecure white dudes who don’t respect boundaries at all (how long was Nick waiting for Shawn in the parking lot—all night?). How can Kaitlyn possibly be falling in love with two such different men?
More importantly, what does it mean for our fantasy teams?
Team One – 11 points
Nick
Clint
Tony
Josh
Kupah
Brady
Up until last week, I proudly repped Team Four, but that came to an end when I lost my final player, Jared (and his patchy-ass facial hair). I was enjoying retirement when I was pulled from the bench to take over as captain for Team One. I gotta say, after last night’s episode, it feels awfully nice to be on a winning team.
Nick deflected Shawn’s insecurities and seized an opportunity to play dirty with the “Eskimo brothers” card. Can we take a moment to recognize the irony of that dig? Still, Nick took home a rose and introduced Kaitlyn to his 17 sisters and five brothers. I exaggerate, but sheesh, dude’s got a lot of siblings. Meeting the family—aka hometown dates—used to involve lots of Midwestern feels, awkward toasts and family dinners. These family dates felt more like episodes of A&E’s “Intervention.” No, seriously, where’s Candy Finnigan?
Though Nick’s entire family seemed super stressed about him being on the show, they all gave Kaitlyn a thumbs up. (Side note: Nick must have had a massive mental breakdown when he returned to Chicago from Andi Dorfman’s season.) Nick ended the episode strong, making out with Kaitlyn on the couch as he whispered “We should make babies someday.” Ah, Nick. You know just what to say to a woman on the verge of her 30th birthday.
–Morgan Olsen
Team Two – 14 points
ELIMINATED in week seven.
Team Three – 19 points
ELIMINATED in week eight.
Team Four – 13 points
ELIMINATED in week eight.
Team Five – 25 points
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Shawn B.
Ben H.
Chris
Ian
Shawn E.
Poor, poor Ben H. You never stood a chance. At the start of their overnight date, Kaitlyn described him as “nice and easy” and said, “I think he’s serious when it comes to feelings.” Does that sound enjoyable to you? Does that sound like the makings of a good life partner? If you answered yes, you’d be a terrible Bachelorette, because you’d probably end up in a healthy relationship and put this franchise to shame.
Being called nice and easy is the kiss of death on “The Bachelorette.” Nice and easy doesn’t compare to abs and drama, the bedrock of any true reality TV relationship. Watching Ben give his ext speech was like watching astronauts carefully reattach spaceship parts in “Apollo 13”—if he does this perfectly, he guaranteed to be the next Bachelor.
So my final player is Shawn, who gets less attractive by the minute. Dude stripped down naked and got a black box over his junk on the golf course, and all I could see was his raging jealousy issues. Remember when he looked like a beautiful blend of Ryan Gosling and Calvin Harris? Now he’s just that guy who won’t leave you alone in the bar on a Saturday night.
The day portion of their sex-time date was golfing, which—like all dates on this show—is a metaphor for love. Shawn says Kaitlyn is wife material because she has a beautiful golf swing. (Shout out to my future failings as a wife, because I’m terrible at golf.)
I wish ABC would just cut all these prolonged silences and confrontations—you’ve seen one Nick/Shawn battle, you’ve seen them all. It’s not like either of them has a full arsenal of witty comebacks and sarcastic putdowns! Let’s get this show on the road already.
Next week: The gang gets back together for more slut-shaming on the Men Tell All episode! Can’t wait.
–Lauren Chval