In an episode crammed with misogynistic crap (“The great thing about men? They don’t have uteruses.”), the ladies of Litchfield stood up for themselves over and over again. From Gloria’s son being a delinquent to Bennett skipping town after proposing to Daya, the clear theme of episode 4 was men denying women power. But our baddest bitches pushed right back.
Boo
It was Boo’s turn to get a flashback (how perfect was teenage Carrie?), and the episode delves into her lifelong struggle with being accepting for exactly who she is. After she learns that Pensatucky gets donations from a church for being their poster girl, she devises a scheme to say that she’s seen the light and turned straight to get a little cash.
To sell the story, Boo lets Sophia and Morello make her over and gets coached in bible verses by Pensatucky and Sister Ingalls. “Nobody is talking about conceding my hard earned position as lord of the lesbians,” Boo says, but she has to put on a costume to get the pastor to think she’s changed.
But faking her identity is something Boo has never been able to do. “I have had to fight for this all my life, Dad,” Boo says when she goes to visit her dying mom in this hospital. “All my life. Strangers, girlfriends … even my own parents. All asking me to be something that I am not. Do you have any idea what that feels like?” In the end, she refuses to be invisible for them or the pastor, going off on him when he spews hate about lesbians.
“Here’s to heaven or hell and nothing in between. Probably hell though. Who the fuck am I kidding?” Yeah, Boo, it’s probably hell. You’re too bad for anything else.
Piper
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Piper was on absolute fire this week. She’s furious that Luschek got Nicky sent to max and calls him a disgusting little vole. “Go ahead, give me a shot for being insubordinate. I don’t give a fuck.” She’s really taking that no horseshit policy from Red seriously.
When Caputo brings the acquisition group by to see what she’s fixing in electrical, one of them asks her if she can fix the blown microwave fuse all by herself, “sweetheart.” Piper raises her eyebrows and delivers maybe one of the greatest lines in television history. “Well I sure can. If I concentrate EXTRA hard with my lady brain.”
Finally, she’s completely straight with her parents when they continue to express disapproval over how her life turned out. Maybe, Piper says, being in Litchfield is making her a better person. “I’m learning more Spanish. And I can fix things. I’m a part of a community. And I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend that I love. So there.”
Her mother says, “Dear God,” and Piper responds that she’s been saying that a lot lately too, but in orgasm. And that’s how Piper Chapman made No. 2 on this list, because you can’t make orgasm noises in front of your parents without being a seriously bad bitch.
Pensatucky
OK, seriously, when did Pensatucky become the best character on this show? In Season 1, every scene with her was blood-boiling, but lately she’s been a hilarious breath of fresh air every time we see her.
She comes clean to Boo about the fact that she didn’t shoot the abortion clinic worker for religious reasons, further solidifying their adorable bond. Pensatucky is the only one who says, “Boo, you look fucking weird,” when the others are squealing over her makeover, and when Boo backs out of the scam, Pensatucky tells her that she thinks it was brave.
“That’s who you are, then that’s who you are. There’s no use in fighting it.” Where is the hateful hillbilly who wanted to shank Piper for refusing to get baptized? Points to Pensatucky for serious character growth. Here’s hoping she actually starts using that toothpaste Boo got her.
Gloria
The whole prison was “synced up” this episode, so there might have been other reasons behind Gloria’s white hot rage. But the Spanish mama is still one bad lady and spent a couple scenes reminding us of that fact.
Her aunt brings her older son by because he’s been suspended from school and has been getting rough around the house. He doesn’t seem interested in changing his ways, until Gloria totally shuts him down: “I will make your hell a living hell even from in here. Try me. I’ll call my brothers in Washington Heights and they will hang your ass over that bridge, until you piss on yourself and it comes running down your body into your mouth.” Kid looked terrified, and we would be too.
And Gloria didn’t ignore her prison children just because her actual one was acting up. She calls Flaca and Marisol “Lucy and Ethel without the charm” and lets Daya have a cigarette when she’s freaking out about Bennett’s absence. “It’s not the worst thing that will happen to that kid.” Harsh, but true, Gloria.
Taystee
Anyone who is in charge of Suzanne deserves a lot of credit. A guard tells Taystee to get Suzanne under control when she has another Vee freak out, saying, “It’s you or the SHU. You want to be responsible for that?”
Later, she has to chase Suzanne down because she’s mindlessly shedding clothes right as Caputo brings the acquisitions crew around (“White people. And other,” Black Cindy greets them). Trying to knock some sense into her charge and sort-of friend, Taystee yells, “Vee is dead! Vee is dead! Vee is dead!” until she dissolves into tears. It’s one of the most heartbreaking moments of the season, and the two hug and share a moment of common ground and understanding.
And then Suzanne crawls in bed with her at the end of the episode. Always a little too far.
Honorable mention
Honorable mention again goes to Soso, for her epic meltdown with the infamous Meadow. “Prison is not cool. Being here is not cool. It’s not brave or admirable or courageous, it’s stupid. I feel stupid for being in here. And stupid for thinking that it wouldn’t ruin my life.” When Meadow protests, “You know, I drove like three hours to get here,” Soso replies, “Well, you never have to again,” and walks out.