A good chunk of this episode was devoted to the guards trying to unionize under their new corporate overlords, so of course the flashbacks are centered on one Joe Caputo. Unfortunately, we don’t learn anything new about Caputo, who has always been a semi-decent, if mediocre, guy frustrated that his life didn’t end up more impressive. Boohoo, Caputo. Are we supposed to care about this storyline more than Poussey’s or Red’s? Get out of here. (Although I didn’t hate the brief appearance of Fig—”You’re the man!”)
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As always, the best stories of Litchfield are between the inmates.
Red
Lady is back on top of her game. She’s bringing vegetables in from the garden, so she’s actually able to cook again, even if it’s on a smaller scale. Her standout moment this episode comes when Piper asks her for help in taking the panty business to the next level. Red immediately demands 10 percent off the top just for consulting.
When Piper expresses incredulity, Red shows her worth with a spot-on assessment of the business: “Your girls are rebelling. You’re paying them in sodium and MSG and they want real money. You haven’t a clue how to do that. And as for your one real resource—your partner—well, you’re fucking around on her. So it’s only a matter of time before that blows up in your face. Don’t fuck where you eat. Or shit where you fuck. It’s bad business.”
Piper counters with 8 percent and the two are in business.
Berdie
The only competent Litchfield employee is in hot water this week after stupid, small-minded Healy jumps at a chance to get her in trouble. He confiscates Suzanne’s “Time Hump,” but Crazy Eyes says she just wrote it for Berdie’s class.
Pearson suspends Berdie while they complete an “independent investigation” into her work and her class, and Healy couldn’t be happier that his competition is finally out of the way. Before she goes, Berdie gets some sharp jabs: “I can’t quite pin down if you’re a misogynist or a racist or a winning combination of the two.” (Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner.)
And we haven’t seen the last of Rogers. “You’re a vengeful little man. But I’ll be back. Because I am good at what I do.”
Alex/Piper
Ugh, these two. They don’t even deserve separate spots. Alex edges Piper out for the tiniest lead, because she at least seems to recognize that their relationship has worn out its welcome.
Piper is on a power trip with her panty business, turning it from a fun (and weird) hobby to a full-on criminal enterprise. She finds a cell phone and plans to start depositing actual cash onto prepaid cards for the girls, but Alex isn’t having any of it. “What happened to that scary professional felon that I fell in love with? She was so hot,” Piper jokes. “Seriously? Grow up.”
The reason Piper actually has to start paying the girls cash instead of ramen is Flaca, who sets up a union after being inspired by the guards. When Piper caves, she also makes a power move of cutting out Flaca to prove she’s the boss: “I can do whatever I want. Get out. And remember you will be costing each of your closest friends hundreds of dollars a month if you so much as open your mouth. So I suggest that you leave quietly.”
While this is pretty bad of Piper, it’s a serious turn off for Alex, who bails on both the business and the relationship. These two are headed in separate directions of badness, and it seems like they’re on the outs again. Now it’s Stella’s (Hot Aussie’s name finally revealed!) turn to step up to Piper’s plate of crazy.
Big Boo
No Season 3 development has been more enjoyable to watch than the friendship between Big Boo and Pennsatucky. They’ve shared doughnuts, secrets and toothpaste, but now things are starting to get real. Coates has been raping Pennsatucky during their alone time, but because he brings her presents, she thinks it’s OK and/or her fault.
When Big Boo notices the bruises on Penn’s wrists, she tries to warn her friend (“You know there’s a word for that, right?”), but Pennsatucky rationalizes his behavior. To make the point hit home, Boo buys sweets from commissary and tells Doggett that she wants to buy sex from her. She pushes the point until Pennsatucky starts crying and admits that what has been happening is not OK.
Boo: “We’re going to get that motherfucker.”
Suzanne
After Healy takes her draft of “Time Hump,” Suzanne decides to give up writing for good. She’s tired of fans bugging her with questions and suggestions, and she suspects that none of them really like her. The prime example being Poussey, who is invested in the story but still hasn’t forgiven Suzanne for beating her up on Vee’s orders.
“Vee treated me like a person,” Suzanne says sadly. The long-simmering resentment between Poussey and Suzanne comes to a place of understanding when they each admit their loneliness. Points to Suzanne for her self-awareness and willingness to move forward.
Honorable mentions
Soso: Leanne continues to be the absolute worst, but at least Soso stood up for herself to Norma this week after the group continued to bully her. (Not that Norma seemed to really care as she bit into her religious-offering Snickers).
Rosa: Bitch is back in Caputo’s flashback! She explains the inmate TV schedule, but adds “But me? I watch what I want, when I want to.”
Sophia: She’s handled this Gloria thing all wrong, but she did have a killer line this week: “You know what the worst part of becoming a woman is? Having to participate in this catty, back-stabby bullshit.”
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