Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelorette,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: Five women of RedEye each drafted five of the 25 competing men. Everyone gets one point for every man who gets through each week.
The producers of “The Bachelorette” are trying to prove to us that this season has NO RULES by putting the rose ceremonies at the beginning of each episode and then ending with a dramatic cliffhanger before the next contestant offing. We opened this week on Kupah demonstrating the age-old male reaction to rejection: Being a total dick. Next week, we’ll see if Clint follows in his footsteps (Spoiler: He definitely will).
If you thought there wasn’t more to cool girl Kaitlyn than dirty jokes and displays of physical dominance … well, this episode didn’t do much to show otherwise. Follow up to last week’s wrestling date is a SUMO wrestling date, because the only thing better than regular wrestling is wrestling where you can be kind of gross and mock an entire culture.
The one-on-one date was straight out of “Saw,” complete with snakes, maggots and Kaitlyn saying, “He was that big man in a relationship who takes care of his lady.” Finally, all the guys bussed over to a local (fake) elementary school to try to explain how tampons work (they’re like little torpedoes).
Team One – 6 points
Clint
ClintTonyJoshKupahBrady
Kaitlyn, we’ve been played.
As my batch of bachelors dwindled down to one this week, I watched in horror as Clint, the man I’m now ashamed to have been championing to this point, managed to not only reveal himself as a manipulative tool, but a manipulative tool who also appears to be the only person in 2015 who still thinks the idea of a man falling in love with another man is a hilarious joke. Wait, scratch that—the ABC producers obviously feel the same way.
Last week and in teasers during last night’s episodes, dramatic clips showing Clint talking about his feelings for contestant JJ, seemed to suggest “The Bachelorette” would see its first gay subplot. Clint himself even tweeted “Love is blind, Gwen” at me when my fellow fantasy leaguers were discussing the reports on social media. But we should have known better. This is “The Bachelorette” after all, and if the sickening celebration of gender stereotypes (See: Kaitlyn needing a big, strong, non-crying man to protect her from toilet snakes, or just about anything else that ever happens on the show) and utter lack of diversity season after season didn’t tip you off, keeping up with social progress isn’t really its thing. Nope, Clint and JJ are just your average horrible dude bros making outdated homophobic comments and high-fiving each other about it.
Oh, and then Clint also said he’s not into Kaitlyn but proceeded to kiss her anyway so he could stick around and bro out with JJ some more (I’m assuming that would entail watching a lot of Adam Sandler movies together?) “Villains gonna vil,” indeed.
But before we even got to that pathetic storyline, my team imploded last night. Kupah and his woozily clinking cocktail got the official boot to no one’s surprise. And Tony? Well, Tony—who, you’ll recall “sees the world through the eyes of a child, [has] the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy”—spent the episode picking fights with other contestants and noting that the 600-lb. sumo wrestler “should be terrified” of him while also being outraged that he was being made to show aggression when he’s clearly all about peace and love. Tony maybe should have watched a few seasons of the show before he signed up to come on it? Instead, the warrior-heartbroken healer packed up his things and returned home to his bonsai trees.
And with that, I sadly must hand over what’s left of my team (i.e. Clint, who will hopefully get kicked out within the first few minutes of next week’s show) to someone else. My bachelors must have sensed it was my last week here at RedEye and acted terribly accordingly. But hey, at least I picked the screen-stealers. You’ve gotta give them that.
– Gwendolyn Purdom
Team Two – 8 points
Ryan B.
Ryan B.
Joshua
TannerCoryDaniel
Seriously? The two guys that didn’t get roses HAD to both be mine? There goes my comfortable lead. Ah, whatever. Cory looked weird and Daniel would have never made it to the end anyway.
I’m still three men strong. Well, er, sort of. Tanner has everyone asking, “WHO ARE YOU?” My guy is the guy that everyone forgets is on the show. He hasn’t made a move, hasn’t really made any effort to get Kaitlyn’s attention. I have faith he could end up being the guy who lurks in the shadows until his shining moment and then sweeps the bachelorette off her feet … or he’ll go home soon. Kaitlyn may just be stashing him aside for now, knowing she’ll get to him eventually?
My three remaining guys, Joshua, Tanner and Ryan, had to teach sex-ed to elementary school kids/child actors for their group date. What? Is that not the creepiest thing ever? WHO. PRODUCES. THIS. SHOW? Anyway, none of them got picked for the one-on-one date—aka sitting in a hot tub sucking face date. I just wish I had more drama to write about, but my guys are drama free. Whoopie.
– Rianne Coale
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Team Three – 8 points
Ben Z.
Ben Z.
JJ
JonathonRyan M.
Joe
The sumo date was a whirl of blurred-out butt cheeks and fat jokes. Even though JJ tried to shine as enforcer of date fun, Shawn got the rose.
Ben Z., aka “Babe Soda,” had a noteworthy week when he and Kaitlyn explored Chris Harrison’s date dungeon from hell, complete with riddle solving and their worst fears. Ben is scared of snakes but not of sticking his hand in a filthy toilet (one of my worst fears). The suspense of this segment kept me far from the edge of my seat. Then they shared a sweet heart-to-heart about his mom’s death, and after quality hot tub time, Benzie got the rose.
I wish I could’ve heard all what was said during the sex-ed date. Bleeping out the word penis and black-boxing a tampon going into a plastic vagina isn’t saving the show from being too scandalous. ABC, do you not know your primary audience? Most of us know how tampons work.
Producers expertly cut together statements from Clint about his relationship with JJ. Amidst egotistical side banter, dripping with double entendres, “The Bachelorette” wants us to believe that Clint just wants to stay on the show to be with JJ. Don’t get me wrong, I too believe that “love is blind,” as Clint tweeted to my opponent Gwen when this news broke last week. But it would seem that all this drama is a ploy for a better show (nice work, ABC). And Clint could’ve picked a better person than JJ.
– Jessica Thompson
Team Four – 6 points
Jared
Jared
Justin
CoreyBradleyDavid
Though I got off to a rough start and lost two players in the first week, my team is really making up for lost time. Last night’s episode was full of firsts: sumo wrestling with a side of cultural appropriation, a maggot-filled basement and sex-ed courtesy of the guys. Because “The Bachelorette” contestants should be teaching children about sex. Riiiiiight.
Justin landed a spot on the first group date, where the guys were asked to put on traditional sumo garb “out of respect” for the ancient sport (read: ABC blurred out their balls and the guys giggled like small children). Justin didn’t get much airtime because a. his left ball wasn’t hanging out of his sumo suit, and b. he isn’t Tony, the guy who has the “spirit of a gypsy” and doesn’t like that all of the challenges involve violence.
Jared repped my team on the second group date, where a producer with an odd sense of humor sent the guys to a school to teach sex-ed to little kids (they were really child actors, though, so they don’t actually count as real kids). Jared got some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn right away, and she encouraged him to make up a song about his lesson plan on puberty. That’s when he dropped the second greatest line of the whole episode: “When you get a hair on your ball, you know who to call.” That actually doesn’t even make sense, but I love it.
Later on, Jared walked Kaitlyn back to her room and she dropped THE greatest line of the whole episode: “I love his black eye. When it’s going away, I just want to punch him again. It’s so hot.” I’m paraphrasing, but she actually loves Jared’s black eye so much that she wants to punch him in the face again and again so it never goes away. I’m disturbed, but kudos to Jared.
What about Corey with an e? Your guess is as good as mine. He was notably absent throughout the episode, which doesn’t bode well for the next rose ceremony. But can we talk about the fact that Jared shaved off all of his patchy facial hair before the cocktail party? I think all that talk about puberty really got to him.
– Morgan Olsen
Team Five – 8 points
Shawn B.
Shawn B.
Ben H.
Chris
IanShawn E.
I’m feeling a little left out of the complete cluster that is “The Bachelorette” because my guys don’t have “the soul of a gypsy” like Tony or a weird shower-centric relationship with one of the other contestants.
My hope is that they’re playing it cool to go the distance, and I’ll end up with more points. But still, Team Five, you’re kind of boring.
My golden child, Shawn, is too good. He’s on the first group date, and while his sumo wrestling was lacking, he proves his worth during the nighttime cocktail hour. He goes in for the kiss during his alone time with Kaitlyn, and she immediately gets up to fetch him the date rose. His kiss is that powerful. His lips are that potent.
My other all star this week was Ben H., who shone in the unlikeliest of places: the sex-ed class. He tells the kids a romantic story about their mommy and daddy and how the physical part of a relationship comes after you fall in love (BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT DOESN’T, BEN?). To help simplify how babies are made, he says Kaitlyn is the egg, and he is a sperm. He has to swim his hardest and beat out ALL the other sperm. Do you understand the metaphor here, children?
Ben H. gets the rose at the end of the night. So at least two points are locked down for next week’s rose ceremony.
– Lauren Chval
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