The Big Ten men’s basketball tournament takes over the United Center for five days starting Wednesday, and it’s time to pretend you’ve been following college basketball all season. (Apologies to you who really have; you’re far stronger than I am.)
Seemingly everyone in Chicago has some tenuous link to one of the 14 B1G schools—you graduated from one, or your roommate almost graduated from one, or that guy/girl you hooked up with at that one house party was from one.
But if you’re truly a B1G free-agent fan, it’s time to choose a squad. And since we already know you’re not a hardcore college hoops nut, we’ll use a simple way to help you choose: comparing them to TV shows.
No. 1 Wisconsin
“The Walking Dead”
The Badgers under coach Bo Ryan usually play at one of the slowest tempos in all of Division I. Slowly plodding and shambling down the floor, they’ve overwhelmed all but three of their opponents. Probable B1G Player of the Year Frank Kaminsky even looks like a zombie. Nothing stops “The Walking Dead” in the Nielsens, and no one’s beating Wisconsin in this tourney.
No. 2 Maryland
“Better Call Saul”
Where did the Terrapins come from? After a mediocre 17-15 season in 2014, this year’s team is 26-5 and hoping for a deep NCAA run. Outta nowhere they’ll be must-see TV in March and April. Can they maintain this hot streak? Say hello to the B1G’s “Better Call Saul.”
No. 3 Michigan State
“South Park”
As long as Tom Izzo is in charge, the Spartans are dangerous. And as long as Trey Parker and Matt Stone are running the show, there might be an episode of “South Park” that’s so good it could beat Kentucky.
No. 4 Purdue
“Modern Family”
A solid, if not flashy team. You’re not ashamed to admit you DVR “Modern Family,” either.
No. 5 Iowa
“Two and a Half Men”
The most notable thing about this year’s Hawkeyes has been the repeating eye-poking play of center Adam Woodbury. (Seriously, he’s done it several times to opponents.) Ashton Kutcher attended Iowa, and you feel like you’re being poked in the eye when you watch “Two And A Half Men.”
No. 6 Ohio State
“Empire”
The Buckeyes have freshman phenom guard D’Angelo Russell driving this team. If the basketball team could repeat the success of the football squad, we’d have a collegiate sports “Empire” on our hands.
No. 7 Indiana
“The Simpsons”
A historic program with some of the best seasons in the history of the sport. But it hasn’t been great for a long time, and the weight of expectations due to past greatness simply crushes them every year. They are “The Simpsons.”
No. 8 Illinois
“Saturday Night Live”
Another program with a couple of outstanding teams in its history, with a really great year every decade or so. This season you never know what you’ll get week in, week out. Will they be great? Will they be awful? The Illini are “Saturday Night Live.”
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No. 9 Michigan
“Survivor”
It’d be fitting to use “Scandal” here given the Wolverines’ history of NCAA sanctions, but we’ll go with “Survivor” because much like the original CBS reality TV giant, you thought they canceled Michigan basketball years ago.
No. 10 Northwestern
“MythBusters”
You know they’re smart, they’re always having to put lineups together from scrap due to injury, and they always find a way to blow up at the end. They’ve never made the NCAA tournament, and they’re the “MythBusters.”
No. 11 Minnesota
“Coach”
I’m bound by the laws of the universe to use Craig T. Nelson’s hit ’90s show “Coach” in this spot.
No. 12 Nebraska
NCIS Los Angeles
Who is actually going to these games in football-crazed Lincoln? Someone must be watching, otherwise they couldn’t afford to put on this show every week. We couldn’t find one single person who watches Nebraska basketball, but they must exist somewhere. They are “NCIS: Los Angeles.”
No. 13 Penn State
“Mama’s Family”
Pitiful, almost embarrassing to admit you watched. You can’t believe this style of play actually used to pass for entertainment back in the 1980s! The Nittany Lions are old reruns of “Mama’s Family.”
No. 14 Rutgers
“Mulaney”
Rutgers will be here only briefly, playing one game and losing. At times they’ll be hilarious to watch, at other times you’ll be confused. Is this basketball? Is this long-form performance art? They’re the “Mulaney” of the 2015 B1G tourney.
BIG TEN TOURNAMENT SCHEDULE
WEDNESDAY
Game 1: No. 13 Penn State vs. No. 12 Nebraska, 3:30 p.m., ESPN2
Game 2: No. 11 Minnesota vs. No. 14 Rutgers, 6 p.m. BTN
THURSDAY
Game 3: No. 9 Michigan vs. No. 8 Illinois, 11 a.m. BTN
Game 4: Game 1 winner vs. No. 5 Iowa, 1:30 p.m. BTN
Game 5: No. 10 Northwestern vs. No. 7 Indiana, 5:30 p.m. ESPN2
Game 6: Game 2 winner vs. No. 6 Ohio State, 8 p.m. ESPN2
FRIDAY
Game 7: Game 3 winner vs. No. 1 Wisconsin, 11 a.m. ESPN
Game 8: Game 4 winner vs. No. 4 Purdue, 1:30 p.m. ESPN
Game 9: Game 5 winner vs. No. 2 Maryland, 5:30 p.m. BTN
Game 10: Game 6 winner vs. No. 3 Michigan State, 8 p.m. BTN
SATURDAY
Game 11: Game 7 winner vs. Game 8 winner, noon CBS
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Game 12: Game 9 winner vs. Game 10 winner, 2:30 p.m. CBS
SUNDAY
Game 13: Game 11 winner vs. Game 12 winner, 2:30 p.m. CBS
Alex Quigley is a RedEye special contributor. @alexquigley