More Top Picks Best Pantry Organization Systems
player ready...Dear Anna,
For decades a certain sexual fantasy has troubled me. The fantasy, or rather collage of fantasies, always centers on some sexy woman character who falls victim to a violent criminal. The armed robber, escaped convict or kidnapper, who may be a woman or a man, overpowers the poor woman and leaves her securely bound and gagged. Although unharmed, she cannot free herself and, as a result, needs to be rescued.
This fantasy by itself has never upset me. What does upset me, or at least makes me wonder, is that often, in fact usually, I see myself as the bound woman. Some years ago, I even dabbled in cross-dressing and, one day, put on nylons and an evening gown and had a trusted male acquaintance tie me up. When finally it happened, I reveled in the experience, basking in the pretense that I was the pretty woman. Mind you, I’m a straight guy; I’ve always liked women and never doubted my sexual orientation. How can I reconcile this with my strange fantasy life? How could I ever share my fantasies with the woman I love? Should I even try or should I, alas, take my secrets to the grave? Please help!
Dear sweet man!
Please do not take your secrets to the grave. Your fantasy may be unorthodox for a straight guy (Maybe! I mean, who knows what crazy thoughts are floating around in our brains? It’s not like scientists can crawl in there and record that we’re thinking about getting it on with an Ewok or whatever), but as far as sexual scenarios go, yours is rather on the mild side. Lots of men enjoy playing with gender and want to experience powerlessness, or even just a more submissive role than they are used to. Culturally, there are very few outlets in which men are allowed to be vulnerable — you’re supposed to “bring home the bacon” and “sack up” and “no homo” the day away. That’s a lot to bear. I don’t at all blame you for wanting to see what it’s like on the other side, epitomized by the role of a helpless female. That sounds pretty hot, actually!
Because you already know what you want (which is half the key to getting it), Step 2 is to go out on a (short) limb and express your desires to the woman you love. I’m going to assume your sex has been pretty vanilla up until this point (otherwise you probably would have mentioned it), so I would start on the slow side so as not to overwhelm your partner. Instead of, “Dress me in fishnets and tie me to the train tracks!” I might start with something vague, like, “I’ve been interested in exploring some gender role play with you. How do you feel about switching it up a bit? You’d be a sexy top, I bet.” And then, gauging how she responds, proceed from there.
If you need a more specific template, however, here’s a useful “difficult conversation formula” from sex educator Reid Mihalko (ReidAboutSex.com): 1) I have to tell you something. 2) Here’s what I’m afraid will happen when I tell you … 3) Here’s what I want to have happen … 4) The actual telling of the thing. This sets the conversation up in a way that gives you a little more leverage and control.
Of course, even the most persuasive, effective communicator can’t win `em all, and there’s still a chance your partner might freak out a little bit (or a lot). If your fantasy turns out to be an absolute no-go with your partner, I’d consider enlisting the services of a trained domme, who will expertly, safely and even enthusiastically tie you up and gag you the way you so ardently deserve.
But do try being open and vulnerable with your partner first. People can surprise us. And, well, we’d all do well to ask for what we need a little more, both in and outside the bedroom.
Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to [email protected]. Need to give your dating life a boost? Sign up for RedEye Dating.