Do you consider “Fox & Friends” to be a war zone? Step right up, we have a broadcast job for you.
First, NBC anchor Brian Williams is caught embellishing his wartime story. Then it turns out that Fox News TV host Bill O’Reilly falsely claimed to have been in a war zone.
Concerned by this outbreak of fictionalized reporting, the major news networks have apparently devised new screening methods including the following leaked personnel questionnaire:
Which of the following constitutes a war zone?
1. A citizen protest in Buenos Aires.
2. A helicopter in Afghanistan that does not come under fire.
3. A guest spot on Sean Hannity’s show.
4. Coming under fire on “Fox & Friends.”
In what respect did you personally experience the Gulf War?
1. I was actually embedded with American troops.
2. I flew into Kuwait City after Saddam Hussein surrendered.
3. I was aboard a U.S. naval vessel firing actual missiles on Baghdad.
4. I watched actual live TV coverage of the missile attack on Baghdad.
Are you or have you ever been known by one of the following nicknames?
1. Scud Stud
2. Gunga Dan
3. Lyin’ Brian
4. Bloviating Bill
5. Geraldo Rivera
Do you own any of the following?
1. A tailored camouflage outfit
2. A bulletproof vest
3. A handgun
4. A personalized microphone
Have you repeatedly used on air one or more of the following phrases?
1. Our brave fighting men and women.
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2. And then we came under fire.
3. Shots rang out all around us.
4. I owe my life to those brave soldiers.
Do you consider any of the following to be your hero?
1. Walter Cronkite
2. Tom Brokaw
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger
4. Walter Mitty
Have you ever experienced a parachute drop?
1. Yes, in the desert of Iran.
2. Yes, in a training exercise at Fort Dix.
3. Yes, in a combat-like situation on the parachute tower ride at Six Flags.
4. No.
Where do you draw the line in promoting your role as a network news person?
1. I would not appear elsewhere in order to safeguard my credibility.
2. I would not appear elsewhere for pay.
3. I would restrict the number of paid speaking engagements to fewer than 25 per year.
4. I would do David Letterman but not necessarily Jimmy Kimmel.
5. I would go anywhere and do anything in the service of my network.
Which of the following best describes your vision of your role as a news anchor?
1. To record and report the news as accurately as possible.
2. To gain the trust of my TV audience.
3. To adhere to the highest standards of infotainment journalism.
4. To bravely do what it takes to get the highest TV ratings possible.
David Martin lives in Ottawa, Ontario. He is the author of “Screams & Whispers,” a humor collection.