Have you always wanted to run for president but were afraid to try? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to take the oath of office for the most powerful position on the planet?
Well wonder no more because now there’s our new audio course called “How to run for president.” It’s a four-CD program that will help guide even the rawest of political rookies all the way to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
The first CD will help you remake yourself so you’ll look and feel presidential. Our sartorial experts will school you on how to dress for political success. Whether it’s a Brooks Brothers suit for a TV debate or a down-home jeans and plaid shirt outfit for an Iowa pig roast, you’ll always have that chief executive look.
And that’s not all. Our crack team of linguistic specialists will teach you how to dumb it down to sound just like “regular folk.” You’ll learn all manner of regional dialects and expressions that will make you the ideal drinking companion for average voters anywhere in America. From “I’m workin’ for y’all” to “you betcha” to “those liberal elites,” you’ll learn all the phrases that will have your audiences nodding their heads in agreement.
CD No. 2 contains everything you need to know about policy, both domestic and foreign. It’s chock-full of valuable lessons about the different departments of government and even tells you how a bill becomes law. Plus, our experts will tell you all you need to know about foreign policy. Things like where Uzbekistan is, what the capital of North Korea is and who the chancellor of Germany is.
The third CD is all about name recognition. How do you get known and stay known? We’ll teach you the tricks of the trade like taking an outrageous stance on one of the “control” issues — be it gun, crime or birth. We’ll show you how to use such time-tested techniques as the straw man argument, ad hominem attacks and The Big Lie.
The fourth and most important CD is all about the money. We’ll show you how to set up PACs, super PACs, 527 groups, 501(c)(4) organizations and all manner of mostly legal methods to get the millions of dollars you’ll need to create and broadcast all those attack ads aimed at your opponents.
If you act right now, we’ll even include a pamphlet with the most important fundraising information you’ll ever need. You will find the names and addresses of America’s top corporations and unions that are just waiting to offer you funds for your campaign in return for nothing more than a friendly word from you.
So don’t wait until next year to take the plunge. If you want to win on Nov. 8, 2016, you’ve got to start campaigning now. Phone our toll-free number 1-800-IMPOTUS and have your credit card ready. For three easy payments of $99, you’ll be well on your way to achieving your electoral dream. And for the first 100 callers, we’ll even throw in a fifth CD with our favorite campaign blunders. From Rick Perry’s “I can’t, the third one. I can’t. Sorry. Oops,” to Sarah Palin’s “As Putin rears his head …,” to Mitt Romney’s “… 47 percent of Americans … who believe that they are entitled,” you’ll know just what to avoid saying on your way to the White House.
David Martin lives in Ottawa, Ontario. He is the author of “Screams and Whispers,” a humor collection.
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