Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s executive assistant is sitting in her office when a visitor walks in with his portfolio.
“Can I help you, sir?”
“George Lucas. I have an appointment with the mayor.”
“Go right in, sir. He’s expecting you.”
The two men shake hands, but as is his custom, the mayor wastes no time getting down to business.
“George, this Lucas Museum of yours — nobody likes it. The critics, the environmentalists, Friends of the Parks — nobody.
“Mayor, don’t worry. I have the solution right here that will make everybody happy.”
Emanuel eyes him skeptically. “OK, let’s see it.”
Lucas takes out his portfolio and explains, “Instead of erecting a new building for my museum, I’ll retrofit an existing structure.”
“What existing structure?”
“I want to put my museum in Soldier Field.”
The mayor’s jaw drops.
“What?”
“That’s right, I’ll use Soldier Field. There’s plenty of room if I remove the seats and use the field. It’s much cheaper than building a new museum. Parking, bathrooms, concessions, everything is already there. No more environmental issues, no more tailgating problems. Use that other site for whatever your Friends of the Parks want.”
The mayor looks at him quizzically as Lucas continues.
“Tell you what else I’ll do, mayor. I’ll put a roof on Soldier Field. Be a real improvement. You know how people say right now it looks like a spaceship? Not any spaceship I would use in my movies. Trust me, I know spaceships. I made ‘The Empire Strikes Back,’ grossed over half a billion. I can tell you there’s no way you would see a hokey spaceship like that in my ‘Star Wars’ movies. The audience would laugh me out of the theater.”
The mayor chimes in, “But what about the Chicago Bears? How are they going to play there?”
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“I thought we’d get down to the Bears. Look, did you see that game against New England? How about the last Green Bay Packers game? Real bombs, both of them. Trust me, I know bombs. I made ‘Howard the Duck,’ only grossed $38 million. Ugh! But I’d still rather watch ‘Howard The Duck’ than watch the Bears against Tom Brady. The Bears can go somewhere else; they’re just not box office.”
“You can’t just kick the Bears out of Soldier Field.”
“Look Mayor, who do you think the public would rather see, Indiana Jones or Jay Cutler? You think Bear fans like Aaron Rodgers coming in here every year and making mincemeat of them? They’d rather watch Darth Vader, and besides he has a much cooler helmet than hideous green and gold. Gotta think merchandising. Trust me, I know audiences. I made ‘The Phantom Menace,’ grossed $980 million worldwide. How much do the Bears gross? The fans will never miss them.”
Emanuel presses the issue.
“Look George, these are the Bears. Chicago loves the Bears.”
“Mayor, they love the idea of the Bears. Monsters of the Midway, George Halas, Walter Payton, Mike Ditka, all that nostalgia stuff. Trust me, I know nostalgia. I made ‘American Graffiti,’ grossed $115 million, and that was 1973. But I’ll tell you what I’ll do to show my heart is in the right place. I’ll put a special permanent Bears room in the museum — an IMAX screen playing a continuous loop of the 1985 Bears doing the ‘Super Bowl Shuffle’ with motivational speeches by Da Coach in the background. How about an exhibit of the biggest hits by the great middle linebackers — a montage. Montage, that’s film lingo, Mayor. A montage of Bill George, Dick Butkus, Mike Singletary, Brian Urlacher. Isn’t that better than sitting out in the cold and snow, and watching these linebackers they have now whiff on tackles?”
Emanuel admits to himself the idea had a certain appeal but he’s working out the details in his mind.
“But how would I break the news to the Bears?”
“Mayor, you send them a message. Trust me, I know messages. You know, I’m friends with Francis Ford Coppola. Maybe you’ve heard of him. Made ‘The Godfather’ trilogy, grossed over $380 million worldwide, lots of Oscars. Message pictures, horse’s head in the bed, that kind of stuff. But you might want to try a little more subtlety. Maybe just wrap up a dead fish from Lake Michigan in a Bears program and have someone deliver it to their front office in Lake Forest. I’ve heard you have some experience along those lines.
Emanuel admits, “It has worked in the past.”
“Exactly. I’d even be willing to give jobs in the Museum to Marc Trestman and Phil Emery. You know, in case things don’t work out for them. Sort of like an offer they can’t refuse. That’s a line from “The Godfather.”
Emanuel looks at his watch and sees he has another meeting.
“George, let me think about this. I suppose you would want a long-term lease. I’m assuming 99 years?”
“Mayor, that’s too short. I want a real long-term lease. How about until the next time the Bears win the Super Bowl?”
Dr. Cory Franklin lives in Wilmette and is the author of “Chicago Flashbulbs: A Quarter Century of News, Politics, Sports and Show Business (1987-2012).”