Here’s the thing about butts: Everyone has one, and we all use them to accomplish the same thing.
So I was unimpressed when Paper magazine decided to moon its readership Tuesday night with Kim Kardashian’s rear end and declared the goal was to “Break the Internet.” I have a butt, and the only thing it’s ever broken is wind and a few Christmas ornaments one time on accident.
If you’re looking for an overwrought, well researched think-piece about the cultural significance of what I’ll call the Buttcover, I’m not your guy. Go read Rolling Stone, which called it a “Pavlovian posterior experiment;” Time, who referred to it as an “empty promise;” or Butts Weekly, who proclaimed, “If chairs had porn, this is what they would look at.” (I made that last one up, but if you can believe it, the first two are real.)
I’m a simple guy. The most analysis I provided Wednesday was Photoshopping things like Sad Jack White over Kim’s krack, and noting that Nov. 12, 2014, was the day IT departments everywhere had to stop reporting searches for “Kim Kardashian butt” to HR. I can’t tell you how to feel about the Buttcover, but I can share what did go through my mind when I first saw it, because I am a man-child:
>> Why is she sweating?: Is the Paper magazine photo studio very warm? Are sequined dresses stuffy? Look, I can’t judge, my butt sweats in sub-freezing temperatures, but that’s because I probably have an undiagnosed medical condition. Shouldn’t there have been a designated towel dude (Kanye) to pat her down a little bit?
>> I don’t want the Internet broken: Paper’s headline said, “Break the Internet.” But the Internet is a very useful tool I and millions of others use every day, a lot of times to look for pictures of other butts. Seriously, though, even if I DID want the World Wide Web to crap out, I wouldn’t want it to be from a celebrity’s can. Kim’s does not deserve to be responsible for destroying the largest network of human knowledge.
>> Celebrities poop, too: As previously noted, everyone uses their butts for the same thing. Here’s an experiment: Think of a celebrity. Go ahead, I’ll wait. OK, now imagine that celebrity in the bathroom, and really get a detailed image in your head. Weird, right?! (I chose Gillian Anderson. Who did you choose? Tweet me @swasko; I’m curious.)
>> What kind of champagne was that?: In the clothed photo where Kim’s popping a bottle of bubbly, what brand is it? It looks cheap, like Cook’s or Andre, the sparkling wine of the common people. Maybe we have more in common than our butts.
>> What does my butt look like?: Really, I don’t know, I don’t turn around by the mirror very often. I wonder if the two freckles are still there?
>> “Dumps like a truck”: What, what. Heh, I remembered “Thong Song” when I was Photoshopping a picture of Kim’s crying head over her Paper mag cover head. A Google search for Sisqo on Tuesday tells me he’s trying to make a comeback. Good for him.
That’s it. I have to go look at my butt in the mirror.
Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye’s Facebook page.
More Top Picks Best Computer Glasses Under 100