I recently wrote about a mentoring camp for black male teens that took place at Chicago State University and was sponsored by talk show host and comedian Steve Harvey.
The main requirement for the teens to participate in the Steve Harvey Mentoring Program for Young Men is that they come from fatherless homes. About 100 young men spent a weekend last month learning from soldiers, business executives, doctors, lawyers and engineers, among others, many of whom had overcome tough circumstances.
The weekend activities were geared toward providing the teens with a positive blueprint for manhood.
During the application process, they had to write a short essay explaining how being fatherless has affected their lives. I read many of the teens’ essays, and it occurred to me that we often hear more about them from people who talk about them than from the young men themselves.
Here are some excerpts of what they had to say:
*Mr. Steve, not having a father in my life has affected me in so many ways. I have been going through changes with my body that I don’t understand and I am too embarrassed to ask my mom. I have been on the football team for three years with the Lombard park district and my dad has never come to any of my games to support me. My mother asked me the other day if I was going to tell my father about my 8th grade graduation. I told her, “No,” because I don’t want the disappointment of him not showing up.
*My father had an aneurysm in 2004 at the age of 21 when I was only 4 years old. He was left in a semi-comatose state and never recovered. He died in 2009 after being bed-confined for almost six years. I never got to really know my dad because I was still a child when he got sick. … I never had a man in my life who could teach how to become a man because my mom has never remarried. I miss my dad a whole lot and wish I often had someone to talk to who would understand what I am going through and help me make the right decisions about my life and my future.
*My life changed when my father left my life. After my father left, I was sad because I had a broken family. I wanted a family like the Cosbys in the “The Cosby Show” or “The Brady Bunch.” It used to hurt me until the point where when I was in class, I would just start crying.
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*During my early years, I lived in a white neighborhood, but after my parents separated, I had to move with my mom to my grandmother’s house in Englewood, one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the country. I was bullied almost daily. My mother has always been there for me. I never went to the neighborhood school. Currently I have a 3.7 grade point average (and I’m in all honors classes) and I am a football player. I am 6 feet 2 inches tall and I weigh 311 pounds. I am a defensive lineman. I want to major in finance in college and become a professional football player. Sometimes I feel like I’m still a target. I never go outside unless it is to school or church. I miss my father. He died the night President Obama was elected president in 2008.
*When I was younger, not having a father didn’t affect me too much, or I didn’t think about it because my mom always had us in some activity or program. But now that I’m getting older, I do think about my father and I wonder why he doesn’t at least want to know how I’m doing. He lives right here in Chicago and the only time I see him is at funerals. My mom has instilled in me the importance of education and having a positive attitude. I attend Urban Prep Academy and I have a 3.8 grade point average and I want to become an electrical engineer. Attending the mentoring camp would give me the opportunity to meet other engineers, and with their knowledge and support, they can help guide me along my journey.
*Not having a dad in my life is very hurtful to me because I see my cousin and his dad playing and doing things together. My biological mom was in jail when she had me and my dad was on drugs, well, both of them were on drugs. My mom and dad gave up their parental rights and my grandma later adopted me. Don’t get me wrong, my granny is sweet, but she is 73 years old now. All my life I have been in classes for the learning disabled. Yes, I have been suspended from school. Kids always bother me and act like I’m slow. I get real mad and want to fight. I hate that I feel like that. Maybe if I’m accepted into the mentoring program, I can learn how a man should or could be.
*Mothers can’t teach us how to stand up like a man, and most importantly raise children like a man. Don’t get me wrong, I talk to my mom a lot, but I can’t see myself talking to her about sex. My mom has done a good job of raising me so far, but one thing she can never do is teach me how to be something she’s not. Before my father died, we had a long conversation and he told me, “Son, don’t be like me, be better than me.” And that’s who I’m trying to be.
As I was reading these essays at Chicago State during the first night of the camp, I spoke with Shadelle Boddy, 17, who’s been involved with the camp four times, most recently as a volunteer. I asked him whether it has made a difference in his life.
“I’ve never been in trouble and I get good grades,” he said.
In fact, his mother proudly showed me his report card with three A’s and four B’s. A high school junior, Shadelle is on track to attend college. He said he lives on a nice block in a tough section of the Woodlawn community.
“I can say what’s changed is my respect for women has improved. I’m more of a gentleman. I open doors for women now. I was never a bad guy, but I didn’t do things like that. I always focused on myself.”
He said having a mentor has helped him understand that where he lives doesn’t have to affect his future.
“It doesn’t mean I will be a statistic and end up on the bad side of things,” he said. “All the men (at the camp) came from a similar background or worse. It tells me if they can make it, I can too. And that’s why you want to come here.”