Last week’s rankings in parenthesis
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1. Alabama 4-0: Players who allowed late TD to Florida Atlantic must wear scarlet lettermen’s jackets. (1)
2. Oregon 4-0: Geese protest first league shutout since 2003 will be recorded as a “Duck Egg.” (2)
3. Florida State 4-0: Halftime show idea for aging pop diva called “Fear the Spears” gets nixed. (5)
4. LSU 4-0: PR firm says it can make two-point victory over Auburn look like Doug Flutie’s pass. (3)
5. West Virginia 3-0: Fans promise to respect and honor Baylor’s past by not dancing on burning couches. (4)
6. Kansas State 4-0: Workaholic Bill Snyder celebrates Oklahoma victory by sleeping with one eye wide shut. (16)
7. Texas 3-0: NCAA says school cannot count weekend off as victory even though Oklahoma lost. (6)
8. Georgia 4-0: ESPN.Alpo reports mascots Uga (Georgia) and Smokey (Tennessee) both will call “tails” on coin flip. (8)
9. Notre Dame 4-0: New “Push Down Jesus” mural depicts Golden Tate’s latest “catch.” (12)
10. Stanford 3-0: Won’t fly to Washington for Thursday’s game until bum-squad clears city of replacement refs. (9)
11. USC 3-1: Biggest fear covering beat was getting kicked “into” a team’s practice. (10)
12. South Carolina 4-0: Media Ad-Visor-ry: Steve Spurrier quits taking questions from arrogant, game-cocky reporters. (13)
13. Florida 4-0: Has not lost to Kentucky since 1986 and not lost to Florida State since last year. (23)
14. Oklahoma 2-1: Sooners-Packers meet to discuss greatest botched officiating calls in Pacific Northwest. (7)
15. Clemson 3-1: Reminds of Rice Krispies (Snap, Crackle, Pop!) before you pour milk in bowl. (14)
16. Oregon State 2-0: Coach Mike (Riley) takes players to In N Out after Little League victory over Bad News Bruins. (20)
17. Louisville 4-0: Worst three-week scheduling stretch ever: at Florida International, at Southern Miss., at Pitt. (15)
18. Texas Christian 3-0: Fort what it’s worth: Plays across town this week at Southern Methodist. (21)
19. Boise State 2-1: Carbon dating evidence in end zone confirms touchdowns once were scored there. (24)
20. Rutgers 4-0: Players returned from Arkansas saying the people there spoke with funny accents. (NR)
21. UCLA 3-1: Jim Mora will bring back “Going Over the Wall” tradition so long as it only involves reporters. (18)
22. Ohio State 4-0: Jerry Lewis-type telethon proposed to pay for president E. Gordon Gee’s next expense report. (11)
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23. Michigan State 3-1: Border patrol implores driver of ESPN GameDay truck: “Turn around, we’re not that good!” (22)
24. Northwestern 4-0: Gary Barnett tells “Flat Earth Society” you will meet Colorado in Rose Bowl. (25)
25. Minnesota 4-0: In 121 years of series school never before has played Iowa in September. (NR)