KENOSHA, Wis. — Boy, it took some big swinging curds. Founders Mario and Martha Ventura decided 64 years ago that no humble store could contain their sky-high ambitions, so they called their shop a castle, that symbol of fortitude and bravado. A castle — filled with cheese.
Nine miles north of the Illinois border, the Mars’ Cheese Castle signals the geographical and cultural start of Wisconsin. It’s a striking shift one hour into a 90 minute-trip from Chicago to Milwaukee. The store is the first evidence of unabashed Wisconsin-ness (not so much a tangible concept as a warm, cozy ideal) and a sign you’re crossing over from an Italian-beef ethos to one made of bratwurst.
Perhaps no retailer along Interstate Highway 94 showcases Wisconsin’s trinity of cheese, beer and preserved meats with more audacity than Mars’ Cheese Castle. Its 80-foot tiled sign — best described as “Wheel of Fortune” meets ’70s car dealership — seduces motorists off the freeway.
Until a month ago, it was a castle by aspiration. The building was one-story, stout and purple, its corner turret an empty shell. The interior was cramped, though some people called that charm. It was a castle in name only, a novelty to entice passing Illinoisans on their way to discount outlets and Brewers games.
That changed on March 4. Because of a highway-widening project, Mars’ Cheese Castle moved 50 yards west to a new $3.8 million building. And this time, it resembles an actual castle. Brick exterior, stone floors, a 35-foot watchtower that houses the wine department. At the entrance, chains once used to moor shipping vessels simulate a drawbridge. Finally, the store befits its regal moniker.
“The two complaints we heard most often,” said general manager Tyson Wehrmeister, “were that we didn’t have enough cheese, and we weren’t a castle. Now we have 237 new cheeses.”
Does the new Mars’ Cheese Castle measure up to the old?
What’s gone is the wood-paneled, VFW lodginess of the old store. I liked that the one-at-a-time restrooms in the old place had a shoehorned quality. At the new castle, the restrooms are large, modern and spotless — great for sanitation, if you’re into that, but (and I might be crazy here) a tad uncastlelike.
The castle motif is far more apparent on its exterior than inside. The retail space is a gleaming if sterile open floor plan, more than twice the size of previous digs, with 40 percent more food products. The dining area, serving Usinger’s brats and corned-beef Reubens, is more family-friendly, anchored by a widescreen TV airing children’s programming and rows of boutique sodas. The amenities are far improved.
But change can break hearts and leave us in denial, though it’s necessary and probably for the better. Just as you wouldn’t judge a Stilton by its moldy rind, the product ultimately trumps aesthetics. And its selection of weird, delicious, manly food is a mind-boggle. Mars’ ain’t the kind of place to lower your cholesterol.
Several shelves are devoted to hot sauces, ones that test, then destroy the mettle of men. There are “challenge” sauces with Scoville units in the low seven figures, kept under glass, with pictures of skulls and pentagrams on the label. The north end of the store houses enough sausage sticks and landjaegers to keep bomb shelters stocked until 2050. Next to those: cheese, cheese and more cheese. Cheeses with mango and hot peppers, cheeses in the shape of Wisconsin, cheeses baked into loaves of bread, even cheeses disguised in chocolate fudge. There is a 541-pound cheddar wheel, its sides carved and depicting an epic battle of knight versus dragon. It was impressive and ridiculous.
You might as well sum up the new Mars’ as such: impressive and ridiculous. Ridiculous in a good-natured, ostentatious way, like how a small town prides itself with the world’s largest ball of rubber bands. You take delight with the premise, snicker at its execution, and applaud their spirit. Here, kitsch is king, and they roll it out by the barrel.
2800 W. Frontage Road, Kenosha, Wis., 800-655-6147, marscheese.com
Mars’ musts
Walk out with these four quintessentially Wisconsin items:
Ten of Clubs Horseradish
Cheese Spread
Begins as a mellow cheese, ends in
your sinuses. Warning: Disappears
quickly with crackers.
Mars’ Cheddar Cheese Bread
More Top Picks Best Formula Dispensers For Babies
A quarter-pound of extra-sharp cheddar swirled and baked into a fluffy cloud-soft loaf.
Spotted Cow beer from New Glarus Brewing Co.
A light “full-bodied” lager, slight fruitiness, a hint of fresh bread, and a Wisconsin favorite not available in Illinois.
Bald Eagle Foods’
German Hukki Sausage Beef and pork summer sausage, intensely smoky with a black- pepper finish.
— K.P.