During the last 10 years, the social stigma surrounding single motherhood has dissipated. The challenges have not.
Sandy Chalkoun knows the struggle: After her husband left when their son was 11 months old, she used the lessons learned to write “Single Mother in Charge: How to Successfully Pursue Happiness” (Praeger, $34.95).
The day he left, Chalkoun writes, “I was full of tears and despair, with a baby in my arms.” But later she began to research the science of happiness. In her book, she draws on happiness studies to show single mothers how to be stronger and happier and to improve their lives.
“I refused to be categorized as unhappy,” Chalkoun said, not only for herself but also for her son. For him to get a chance at happiness, she said, “I had to get myself OK first.”
In her book, she highlights studies that show optimistic people are happier, work harder, succeed more, heal faster and are more likely to be leaders at work. Research shows people can change how optimistic they are.
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“What it means is that you have the power to increase your happiness,” she said.
To maintain her own optimism, Chalkoun draws on the book’s 22 strategies. “I still have to use every single strategy, all the time, that I discovered researching the book. I address anxieties, work out of my comfort zone, exercise. … It applies to me as to anyone else.”
Newly single mothers, she advised, need to “decipher the anxiety, the guilt, the anger — and where it comes from. Try to achieve, through friends or therapy or books, a clear mental state.”
Asked if her focus on optimism might be unrealistic, Chalkoun said, “It’s not about rose-colored glasses or chanting happy words. It’s seeing the whole truth, instead of just a piece of the truth.
“The secret to being positive is not to make the difficulty bigger than it is.”
Tips for increasing optimism
Here are some ideas from Sandy Chalkoun and her book, “Single Mother in Charge”:
Launch a new explanatory style.
Chalkoun quotes psychologist Martin Seligman, who says individuals can choose the way they think. Explaining a situation optimistically can alleviate feelings of helplessness — and it’s a trait that can be acquired. For instance, Chalkoun said, after a partner leaves, a positive yet realistic explanation would be “he didn’t love me anymore and wasn’t attracted to me” — as opposed to a pessimistic view that projects the past onto the future: “I am so unattractive and no one will ever love me.”
Focus on what you love about your life.
You could complain about your work or finances, or you could be grateful for good health and supportive friends. “Do you want to focus on the fact that your child doesn’t live in a two-parent home, or the fact that he’s now in a peaceful environment?” Chalkoun asks.
Exercise your freedom.
Not to party, but to do the things you wanted to do when (or before) you were part of a couple.
Find a role model.
Start hanging out with positive people.
Listen to music.
Research shows listening to music we like boosts our mood. Lay off the TV, gossip magazines and shopping, Chalkoun says: They can promote materialism and decrease self-esteem. Too much TV makes you think “everyone is either very beautiful and rich, or about to die a horrible and tragic death,” Chalkoun writes.
— C.S.M.