They are hairy, thin, poor, less charismatic than most commercial building materials — and unless you know someone at the New Zealand consulate who knows someone (Peter Jackson, perhaps), your chances of scoring tickets to the Flight of the Conchords at the Arie Crown Theater are slim to … wafer thin.
The HBO superstars and self-described fourth most popular “guitar-based digi-bongo a cappella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo” from New Zealand play two shows here this week, Tuesday and Wednesday. The last time we checked, tickets are almost history — there were a few single seats available for Wednesday.
If that’s what you’re into.
Otherwise, you can dream. Here is a two-step plan for getting past not having tickets to see the smoldering Bret McKenzie and the quite sophisticated Jemaine Clement
Step 1: Listen to our five favorite FOTC songs.
1. Song for epileptic dogs. Styled on: Benefit singles. Sample lyrics: “Send a check in the letter to make a setter feel better/Come on and make a donation and save a shakin’ Dalmatian.”
2. “Think About it.” Styled on: Marvin Gaye. Sample lyric: “They’re turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers/But what’s the real cost ’cause the sneakers don’t seem that much cheaper.”
3. “Cheer Up, Murray.” Styled on: Cat Stevens. Sample lyric: “You’ve got a car, don’t you, Murray?/It’s an ’03 Accord/Only one previous owner/And you’ve got a job/And all of your limbs.”
4. “Inner City Pressure.” Styled on: Pet Shop Boys. Sample lyric: “You know you’re not in high finance/Considering secondhand underpants.”
5. “Hurt Feelings.” Styled on: Kanye. Sample lyric: “No one even mentions my casserole/You could of said something nice about my profiteroles”
Step 2: Watch our five favorite episodes of the HBO series.
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1. “Mugged” (Season 1). The band’s hapless manager, Murray Hewitt, teaches Bret and Jemaine how to be safe on the streets of New York City but instead makes the boys targets for a mugging. They defend themselves by rapping the ineffective yet hilarious “Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros,” yielding the gem, “There ain’t no party like my nana’s tea party.”
2. “New Cup” (Season 2). After splurging on a coffee cup that puts the boys seriously overbudget, Bret attempts prostitution to make extra money but fails miserably. The real reason to watch, though, is to see them sing and shake it to “Sugalumps,” a spoof of the Black Eyed Peas’ “My Humps.” Jemaine could easily — and eerily — outdance the likes of Justin Timberlake and Beyonce.
3. “Prime Minister” (Season 2). Murray lands them a gig as impersonators of Simon & Garfunkel impersonators. The episode is loaded with cameos: Mary Lynn Rajskub (“24”) as a woman who falls for Jemaine — but only when he dresses up as Garfunkel — Patton Oswalt as a dreadful Elton John impersonator, and a ’60s icon mentioned in this paragraph.
4. “Bowie” (Season 1). When wildlife-sweat-shirt-wearing Bret suffers from body-image problems, he finds solace in a freaky dream. The floating, iridescent being who appears to him isn’t Jemaine, but rather “it’s 1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour Jemaine’s glammy, singsong Ziggy Stardust imitation is spot on, as are the “Space Oddity” parodies.
5. “Girlfriends” (Season 1). After waiting hours outside a pastry shop, Jemaine and Bret, acting as each other’s “wingman,” pick up a pair of croissant slingers and have a nice afternoon singing in a French music video (“Foux du Fafa”). Their dating experiences, however, veer: Jemaine has no luck with his “girlfriend” and, hoping to wield reverse psychology, tells her he doesn’t want to have sex with her. She agrees she doesn’t want to have sex with him. Meanwhile, Bret’s “girlfriend” explains that she is a sniper headed to Iraq in the morning and he needs to have sex with her. Bret feels violated.
The first season is available on DVD, and both seasons are repeated on HBO. Some episodes are available on hulu.com, youtube.com and itunes.com.
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When: Tuesday, Wednesday 7:30 p.m.
Where: Arie Crown Theater, 2301 S. Lake Shore Drive; 312-791-6190
Tickets: All seats $38.50 (sold out)
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