The caveman film. So ridiculous, so kitschy, so irresistibly watchable. The release this week of “10,000 B.C.” serves to remind that this debased genre — down there at the bottom of the film food chain with slasher flicks and teen sex comedies — has been with us for decades and shows no signs of going the way of the Neanderthal.
Think “Clan of the Cave Bear.” Or “Encino Man.” It soon becomes obvious that the terms “Oscar-winning cinema” and “caveman flick” are mutually exclusive. Which is probably why the creators of “10,000 B.C.” have called it “a sweeping odyssey into a mythical age of prophecies and gods.”
What that means is that this tale of a tribe of mountain hunters pursuing mysterious warlords who have kidnapped the village hottie has about as much historical reality as Fred Flintstone’s cave auto. “10,000 B.C.” for example, features the sight of buildings that look larger than the pyramids — countless millennia before those wonders actually were erected.
“Seeing people in dramatic situations wearing loincloths and fur is tough to take seriously,” says Irv Slifkin of moviesunlimited.com. They “also present a challenge for both the filmmakers and audiences: How can a film with little or no dialogue be exciting or compelling to the masses? It takes a special filmmaker to pull this off because it’s a tricky proposition.”
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“10,000 B.C.” director Roland Emmerich might be the man for the job, because he’s already directed such successful big-budget flicks as “Independence Day,” “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Stargate.” Slifkin says he’s the kind of guy who can “turn big idea subjects and troubling situations into popcorn movies that audiences love.”
But what’s not to love? Especially the fashion! All those buff guys in mastodon briefs fringed with saber-toothed tiger hair — and all those hot babes in their two-piece, cleavage-baring bikinis. Take a look at the few examples on the left. See what we mean?
Through the ages
– The Flintstones (1960-66)
OK, it’s a TV show, but let us not ignore what the well-dressed cave baby is wearing. Pebbles (right) is particularly hip in the hair department, thanks to that dinosaur bone accessory that maintains her up-do.
– One Million Years B.C. (1966) and When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)
Hoo-ha! They don’t get much more babe-a-thonic than “Million’s” Raquel Welch and “Dinosaurs’ ” Victoria Vetri. With costumes that cover just enough to keep the censors at bay, these two films are about as uncovered as non-skin flicks get. And that includes the guys, many of whom wander around in skimpy loincloths.
– Caveman (1981)
How low can a Beatle go? Ringo Starr looks silly and mighty uncomfortable in his all-fur, all-the-time ensemble. As for wife Barbara Bach, she’s barely dressed — a must for cave babes — but her outfits seem more Middle Ages than anything.
– 10,000 B.C. (2008)
How about the sort of “Gladiator”-lite outfit worn by our hero, perfect for easy mobility while hunting saber-tooth tigers? And even though female lead Camilla Belle is fairly covered up, there’s no doubt she looks stunning in her two-piece cured mammoth-skin outfit, featuring tailored, cape-like top.