The weekends are for spending time with your closest friends. Since none of these people have any, they all spend weekends here, at the Battle of the Fives!
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
Supriya Doshi
TOPIC 1: THE BEARS START THE SECOND HALF OF THEIR SEASON. PICK A SONG OR MOVIE TO INSPIRE THEM.
Lovie’s Story.
“Gone, Baby, Gone.” That’s your season at this point.
“Jesus Take the Wheel.”
“Air Bud: Golden Receiver.” Who says you can’t teach the wideouts new tricks?
The Raiders’ game film. If their last four losses don’t inspire, I don’t know what will.
TOPIC 2: TELL US YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE OAKLAND RAIDERS.
Al Davis refuses to acknowledge he died four years ago.
I’ve met Raiders fans. Their gene pool is overdue for a cleaning.
The logo. Is it a pirate? Is it a football player? Is it Richard Simmons’ Halloween costume?
Their logo. I wish they showed more of the pirate’s booty.
Their constant glowering. Turn those frowns upside-down!
TOPIC 3: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HELP THE FIRE AGAINST THE REVOLUTION?
I took a shot of NyQuil and went to bed at 9 p.m.
How is New England going to stage a Revolution, but we have the guy named Armas?
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Listen, I help planet Earth by not driving. I hide Bag Boy from public view. I can only do so much.
I put Fabio on the defense. Nothing inspires heat like Fabio.
I dumped my tea in the lake. That’s why it’s all murky …
TOPIC 4: THE ILLINI FACE NO. 1 OHIO STATE. WHAT’S THEIR SECRET WEAPON?
Ron Zook is allowing each of them to commit one misdemeanor and one Class B felony this week.
The Buckeyes’ spectacular
history of blowing chances at the national championship.
The Big Ten schedule helps, as does the strong recruiting network in our nation’s prisons.
OSU will confuse the Illini with Florida. Orange + blue = Buck-cries.
Jordan’s son Jeff. He convinced them he can play football better than his dad played baseball.
TOPIC 5: GIVE A FICTIONAL TOWN A SPORTS TEAM.
The Mudville Cubs.
Bikini Bottom Feeders. Wait, the Bears and Bulls have “Bottom Feeders” tied up in litigation.
The Steve Christensens of The Shire.
Notre Dame can go to the town of Whybother. A fictional team for a fictional town.
The Sunnydale Vampires. Yeah, you know you watched “Buffy” too!
Bag Boy must taken a wrong turn — what’s he doing here with the readers? Only Steve, Jonathon, Mike and Randy know for sure. Sign up for the fun at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Steve Christensen
Jonathon Milam
Bag Boy
Mike Singer
Randy Wostratzky
TOPIC 1: THE BEARS START THE SECOND HALF OF THEIR SEASON. PICK A SONG OR MOVIE TO INSPIRE THEM.
Plain White T’s, “Hey There, Delilah.” If that doesn’t make you want to hit someone, nothing will. Definitely Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’ “… in the power of the ’08 draft.
The usual. “Brian’s Song.” If that doesn’t make you proud to be a Bear, you’re practically dead.
“Run Like Hell.” It’s something that Cedric Benson hasn’t done this season!!
Win seven games or they can wave the playoffs “Bye, Bye, Bye.” (Great ‘N Sync reference).
TOPIC 2: TELL US YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE OAKLAND RAIDERS.
Raider fans who wear crazy costumes to games. Isn’t living in Oakland embarrassing enough?
That we only play them once this year.
Those weird glasses with the strings that Al Davis wears. I’m creeped out by those.
Their wussy fans!! Eagles fans are nastier and more passionate. We boo Santa. We like it!!
They totally stole the spiked shoulder pad look from the Legion of Doom.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HELP THE FIRE AGAINST THE REVOLUTION?
I reminded them it’s impossible to let down a city that doesn’t even know they exist.
Act like the game’s not happening to psych out the other team. Which is the other team?
I told them the Revolution would be televised. What?
I invented the Fire to help the Fire. Without me, no Fire thus, no Revolution!!
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Nothing. I would rather be diagnosed with scurvy than worry about a soccer game.
TOPIC 4: THE ILLINI FACE NO. 1 OHIO STATE. WHAT’S THEIR SECRET WEAPON?
Red Grange’s ghost suits up to win one for Chief Illiniwek. Won’t matter. Buckeyes roll.
Not sure. But hopefully the NCAA isn’t able to detect it.
Ron Zook’s recruiting. It should keep the program humming … until the sanctions hit.
Travel in Peabody & Sherman’s Wayback Machine to relive their last win over Ohio State in 2001.
Tim Riggins of “Friday Night Lights.” He’s only effective after his 17th Miller High Life.
TOPIC 5: GIVE A FICTIONAL TOWN A SPORTS TEAM.
No thanks. As a Cubs fan, I don’t need teams in fake towns winning championships before we do.
Give the Bears to Montezuma’s Revenge, MX. At least this way they are sure to catch something.
The Faberville Owls. They’re old, beat up, slow and overrated. I based them on the Bears.
The Podunk Snooze. Aren’t the Bears relocating to Podunk next season?
The Wrigleyville Half-Windsor Knots. Slogan: Everybody wins when there’s a “tie.”