The circus was a major source of enjoyment when I was a kid, but I never considered joining one until now, because apparently I qualify as a sideshow freak right alongside the bearded lady. What makes me odd is that I can fit into a men’s size small.
This should be wonderful news, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which insists that we all lose weight. But my reward for changing my dietary life and exercising regularly is that I have stepped out of the adult clothing world and right into a boys size 20, because men’s size small is all but extinct in an age when big and tall is becoming a growing massive category all its own.
“Small,” “S,” “36 Short” — all belong in a museum. I first noticed it on store racks, but last weekend I tried Web site after Web site, homed in on a sport coat I wanted, then clicked on “sizes available.” Not only was small or especially 36S virtually unattainable, but even medium was in short supply. I hit one site with a pageful of 36S sport coats. Every one — I’m not kidding — said “no longer available.” Apparently the world’s only other S guy with short arms is an options trader with lots of money and an earlier start on his Internet day.
Meanwhile, I’m seeing men’s garments up to size 4X — FOUR EX! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a human that large, but I think I heard one approaching once. I could just make out the words “fo and fum.”
One might think that fitting into boys size 20 would make me really happy price-wise, except as an adult I would prefer not to wear clothes with slogans such as “I like girls,” “I rock” or even “Dude!” I’d prefer clothing that says “Armani” or “Gucci.”
Many smaller retailers don’t even bother with size small anymore. As one of them told me, it just doesn’t pay to carry a sliver of inventory marked “S.” So not only is there less of me but also fewer of me, fewer small guys.
“A lot of manufacturers aren’t even making small anymore,” said Craig Gaide, general manager of Napoleon’s Tailor, 7254 W. Foster Ave., Chicago. “In today’s world, where everything is oversized, small is now medium.” The store caters to men 5 foot 8 and shorter, but what of, say, the 5-foot-9 guys who watch their diet, work out and are rewarded with mediums that they could drown in?
As Gaide said, they’re pretty much out of luck. Some larger retailers do still carry small, but a spot check showed small quantities, as if offering a token S. The Nordstrom and Macy’s Internet sites offered hope in smalls, but 36S? I might as well have been looking for a clown suit.
So the next time the CDC issues its warning about the risk of heart attack and diabetes because you’re packing more around the middle, consider the sartorial consequences of dropping the baggage.
Me? I’ll push on and pretend I’m shopping for my sons in the boys section while I hold “Scooby Doo” shirts up to my chest to see if they work with my hair.
I have to pay attention to such things, because I’m told the bearded lady is a stickler for detail.
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