These are tough times on the home front. Stepped-up domestic spying reportedly has led potential ex-wives and ex-husbands to employ marriage-busting computer espionage against each other like never before. Further, a survey shows that a third of men don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. What woman wants to take one of those hands in marriage?
It’s no wonder that the institution of matrimony is sucking wind.
The latest sign came in a New York Times report on a Census Bureau finding that “more than half the Americans who might have celebrated their 25th wedding anniversaries since 2000 were divorced, separated or widowed before reaching that milestone.”
All of which reinforces the idea that weddings costing more than $38.50 are a stupid idea, a bad bet. Anybody can get married; it’s staying married that’s hard. Reach that 25th year, then talk indulgence.
Yes, I understand that a wedding is a celebration of love, not a reward for achievement. And all that cake and booze is to comfort the sensitive guys whose bladders strain against the poignancy of it all.
But if the average American wedding really tops out at an absurd $28,000, as a Conde Nast survey says it does, it’s time to stop the madness. You’re throwing a really expensive party for people who can never appreciate the moment as much as you do. They aren’t worth it. Have a barbecue, for God’s sake. Splurge on really nice paper plates.
And for that matter, why do wedding receptions cost so much? People throw parties all the time that don’t require a second mortgage. It’s as if ballroom operators and caterers use a special wedding calculator that multiplies expenses by 20, so a napkin costs 5 bucks. Do they figure people are so intoxicated by emotion that they’ll think they’re spending Cheetos instead of money?
My last wedding cost about nothing, because the judge refused my gift, probably fearing a paper trail that could lead to later civil action. But Conde Nast never asked me to take part in their survey, so I assume that people like me who are a bit more concerned about, oh, health insurance or eating aren’t included in that $28,000 figure.
But if I were a father inclined to foot such as bill — and I am not; I don’t even know how to form that thought — I think I’d offer a better alternative: $5,000 upfront and an annuity that matures on the silver wedding anniversary. If the couple bails before that, the annuity goes straight into my retirement account, and I’ll forgive the $5,000.
Don’t get me wrong; a great marriage is a beautiful thing. But squandering all those resources and committing all that hand-wringing to just one moment of one day — when that relationship has as yet proved nothing — it’s just wrong.
But if a couple actually does reach that 25-year mark, maybe they’re the type who would rather use that annuity for a long trip together, by themselves, for a real party without all the hangers-on.
Because they’d realize that if they still enjoy each other after all that time, there really is no price that could be put on that after all.
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