Giving the woman or women in your life a greeting card is one of those simple gestures that for reasons unknown to men can buy a guy a lot of mileage for little effort, the only problem being that you have to remember to do it.
Emotionally for women, it’s like one of those gas-filled life rafts that unfold into fine, taut vessels with just a little tug of the cord.
But it’s the remembering part that can prove hernia-inducing to men not known for organizational skills.
And once you remember that there is an occasion pending — a birthday, an anniversary — you have to go to a store and remember what you’re there for, then pick out something appropriate, sign it, address an envelope, possibly buy a stamp.
Oh, you could just hand it to her or leave it in a surprise location, but something about the hassle of mailing it is an even greater turn-on to females.
Even minimally, it all still amounts to an effort.
Until now. The Essential Greeting Card Collection for Guys simplifies the process. These boxed sets of greeting cards covering six yearly events are a dandy thing to set next to your hairbrush to make you think every day: Is this our anniversary? Is this her birthday? Is this Christmas?
The other events are Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and I’m Sorry/I Stink, though that last one may occur more than once a year.
California greeting-card producer Tori Higa came up with the cards, which go for $15 at All She Wrote in Chicago and Winnetka.
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My only qualm is that these are minimalist bifold cards — way minimal, at a mere 3 1/2 by almost 5 inches with, for example, a minimalist “Happy Birthday” and tiny drawing of a minimalist cake.
Though a brilliant memory tool for the almost-always-preoccupied male mind, these leave a lot of room for creativity. A simple signature isn’t going to do it. It’s going to look like a squiggle on the polar ice shelf.
You’ll have to come up with poetry, an artistic rendering of flowers — something requiring thought or feeling.
That’s a lot of pressure for a guy. This is why we pay thoughtful-for-a-price Hallmark to do the feeling for us.
You could take a lesson from the boxed set and lay in a year’s supply of Hallmark’s pre-composed literary love geysers, requiring only a signature, but that’s not going to happen, is it? Plus, you’d probably slop toothpaste or hair product on them, because they weren’t in a box.
So back to the boxed set and the vast whiteness inside.
I would suggest perhaps Googling Keats and plagiarizing his stuff. He’s dead and can’t sue. Or heck, just give him credit; it’ll make you seem all the more charming and literate.
Better yet, you can take some of my prose.
For your own mom on Mother’s Day, perhaps: “Sorry about what I did to your figure, but look at the joy you brought to the world through me.” And you can immediately follow that with I’m Sorry/I Stink.
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