The NFL season is upon us, so we invited a bunch of our rowdy friends. And when it comes to football parties, they don’t get much rowdier than our little Tracy.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Schwartz
Adam Caldarelli
TOPIC 1: OFFER SOME WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT THE NFL OPENER THURSDAY NIGHT.
Thursday? Feels like an exhibition game.
Faith Hill rode in on a horse. Oh, wait, she’s sitting on Peyton Manning’s shoulders.
This could be the greatest QB matchup since John Elway-QB #7 in Tecmo Super Bowl.
Who cares? I’m gearing up for Rexual healing on Sunday.
Indy to cover.
TOPIC 2: WHAT WOULD YOU BRING ON THE BEARS’ FIRST ROAD TRIP?
Excuses.
Suntan lotion.
Copies of “John From Cincinnati” to remind San Diego of its greatest mistake.
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French toast. I wince when I think of Horatio Sanz handling that nerd’s toast.
To San Diego? A pair of shorts and some beer money.
TOPIC 3: BESIDES THE BEARS, WHAT OTHER GAME WILL YOU WATCH, AND WHY?
Detroit vs. Oakland. Because I got money riding.
Cardinals vs. 49ers. I may need Evil Super Computer to keep track of all the fantasy stats.
Mighty Northwestern vs. Nevada — a marquee matchup of “N” schools with “W” mascots.
The Gators matchup with the Troy Achemen. No ASU there.
U.S. vs. Brazil at Soldier Field.
TOPIC 4: TIGER WOODS IS IN CHICAGO. WHERE IN TOWN WOULD YOU TAKE HIM?
Uh, to the golf course. What am I going to do, take him bowling?
Oprah’s condo. It’s the only way I’m ever getting in there!
To his rental home for the week, the Aon Center.
Castaway’s. There’s a lot of other woods there.
Dave & Buster’s for some Golden Tee.
TOPIC 5: IS THERE ANY HELP FOR THE WHITE SOX?
Only in the form of St. Louis and Milwaukee.
Not with Dr. Kevorkian still on parole.
Adam vows to change underwear. You know, shake things up a little.
They could do the “Surreal Life.” Everything seems better when living with Omarosa.
Help? None. Hope? Zero. Interest? Zip.
In honor of the NFL season opener, we invited the New Orleans Saint and the Obnoxious Colts Fan to this week’s Battle of the Fives. Talk about your unholy alliance. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
The New Orleans Saint
Obnoxious Colts Fan
Warren Phynix Johnson
Soxman
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: OFFER SOME WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT THE NFL OPENER THURSDAY NIGHT.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then Colts Fan be a devil worshiper.
A battle of two championship caliber teams: The Colts offense and the Colts defense.
Focus up, you hold the fate of our nation’s bookies.
To the president: Don’t read too much into the “In Bush We Trust” signs from New Orleans faithful.
The Colts don’t exist to me. Next question!
TOPIC 2: WHAT WOULD YOU BRING ON THE BEARS’ FIRST ROAD TRIP?
Gold, Frankenberry and myrrh.
Brian Griese. Never know when you might need him, but I would guess after the fourth pick.
The Busta Rhymes discography, on the amp ’em up tip.
L.J. vs. The Bears Run D and lots of K.C. BBQ? Extra strength TUMS!
A Dodge Charger. That’s what I want Cedric Benson to do — dodge Chargers.
TOPIC 3: BESIDES THE BEARS, WHAT OTHER GAME WILL YOU WATCH, AND WHY?
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The Lions at the Coliseum on Sunday. That doth bring bad memories.
Well, the Colts played Thursday, and Arkansas is on a bye week, so I guess I’ll be at the beach.
The Packers, strictly to get my hate on. Boo cheese!
The White Sox vs. the Twins. Because true fans are loyal no matter what. Right, Big Z?
There are no other games!
TOPIC 4: TIGER WOODS IS IN CHICAGO. WHERE IN TOWN WOULD YOU TAKE HIM?
To a Church’s Chicken on thy South Side.
A miniature golf course. That’s the only place I’d be remotely interested in watching him play.
Some place his wife wouldn’t approve …
U.S. Cellular Field to offer Sox hitters advice on driving the ball.
Halas Hall. Let’s see how your “long game” works at quarterback!
TOPIC 5: IS THERE ANY HELP FOR THE WHITE SOX?
Yea verily … burneth them at the stake!
Yes, October is only a few short weeks away, and then they can forget about all this.
Buhdizm, it worked for Tina.
Yes, but I’d have to tell you how “Old Yeller” ends.
Hey, Saint guy, can you make a call upstairs?