One partner is left supporting the stricken spouse as best as he or she can, battling fear, anxiety and depression while facing a task for which no one can ever be fully prepared.
Men, with a lifespan seven years shorter than women, become full-time caregivers much less often than do women. The 2004 U.S. Census shows four times as many widows (8.2 million) as widowers (2 million).
Despite the huge number of women nursing terminally ill men, general understanding remains low.
“There’s still a stigma to saying you have an ill spouse, as if somehow you’re responsible,” says Dr. Dorree Lynn of Ponte Vedra, Fla., a psychologist and co-author of “When the Man You Love Is Ill: Doing the Best for Your Partner Without Losing Yourself” (Marlowe & Co., $15.95).
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“The stigma is partially what prevents us from reaching out to others for help. Women are raised to be caregivers, so they try to do everything. I often say women wear so many hats, they lose their head.”
Small surprise. Caregiving is a 24/7 job that women frequently take on while still working full time, caring for kids and managing a household. In addition, older caregivers often face health issues of their own that shouldn’t be ignored.
Susan, a 45-year-old widow from West Palm Beach who asked that her real name not be used, spoke about the stress of caring for her mate when he was diagnosed with colon cancer.
“It felt like I had a crash course in nursing,” she says. “The responsibility was overwhelming. I gave him injections, checked his sugar and his blood pressure, changed his dressings, changed drain tubes. They were squeamish things, but I didn’t mind because it’s someone you care about.”
Susan added that throughout the care and treatment, she experienced guilt for not pressing the doctors into doing something that might have prevented her loved one’s various infections.
Although that goal was unrealistic, guilt was Susan’s constant companion.
That emotion creates its own problems.
“The statistics on caregivers getting sick are abominable,” says Lynn, 66. “Women tell me they feel guilty doing anything for themselves; instead they tend to their spouse and tend to everyone else.”
“When the Man You Love Is Ill” offers tips on how a woman can remain true to herself while putting her spouse’s needs first, finding a balance between sacrifice and self-care. Advice on recruiting help is also offered.
Many women fail to reach out because they don’t recognize the resources available close by.
Lynn’s book recounts how the members of one client’s yoga class banded together with concrete offers of baby-sitting help, massages and other ideas to afford her more time with her ill husband. Her yoga buddies provided a huge support.
Understanding such substructures is important to accommodate what Lynn calls “the new normal.”
“People no longer die from the illnesses they used to, so the new normal is living with a chronic illness,” she says.
Meanwhile, don’t abandon tried-and-true coping mechanisms such as keeping a sense of humor, something several widows mentioned as an effective stress reliever.
“The last year of his life, John would fall,” says Jane Hardell of Boynton Beach, Fla., whose husband died at age 58 from kidney cancer.
“The first time he fell, he was out in the yard. When I got home, he’d been sitting out there for three hours.” Jane laughs heartily as she recalls his cheery greeting: “Good thing it’s not raining or there wasn’t an ant pile!”
That ability to find shining moments earns Lynn’s admiration.
“I’m very applauding of the effort these women put in, because they don’t give themselves enough credit for dealing with an incredibly difficult situation. …
“They don’t think about it, but the truth is not everyone rises to it and does well. People suffer in silence, but they don’t accept their badge of courage.”