There’s good news and bad news for the RedEye regulars this week. Good: No one is on the DL. Bad: No one is on the DL. The panel could use a good substitute right about now. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Whizzer
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: HOW WOULD YOU SETTLE A TRAINING-CAMP BATTLE?
The same way I solve all my battles: cherry licoricetug-of-war.
First one who can name the Royals’ five starters wins.
A little visit to the shed in Michael Vick’s back yard.
They have to race me — but I get a 50-yard head-start. Actually, make it 75.
Something of this magnitude can only be resolved in a gentlemanly manner: shots of tequila.
TOPIC 2: WHICH TWO ATHLETES WOULD YOU PAIR IN A BUDDY MOVIE AND WHY?
Barry Bonds and any hockey goon who likes to pound his buddies.
Clinton Portis and Yao Ming, because I think it would be 100 times better than “Rush Hour.”
Rex Grossman, Donovan Mc-Nabb. Maybe they’d get lost and McNabb would come to Chicago.
Me with Eva Longoria. It’s been too long since Hollywood had a good woman-and-her-dog flick.
Jennie Finch and any Cubs pitcher. She could teach them something.
TOPIC 3: HOW WOULD YOUR STATE OF THE WHITE SOX SPEECH BEGIN?
“Friends of the departed, please be seated.”
“My fellow bitter, resentful, generally-in-need-of-some-sunlight Americans …”
“May God have mercy on your souls …”
“Don’t forget to turn off the light on your way out …”
“We have not yet begun to fight …”
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S YOUR PATENTED SOCCER MOVE?
I can juggle a soccer ball … with my mind.
The slide tackle. It’s great for meeting women in bars too.
The dribble between the legs right before I kick. … Who am I kidding? I can’t play soccer.
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I bait the defender with my left paw, then trip on my ears before propelling the ball with my tail.
Sit down, pop open an Old Style and turn on some baseball.
TOPIC 5: WHICH CELEBRITY ARE YOU CHANNELING AND HOW?
Heather Graham. Via the Internet. But never at work. I swear.
By sitting on my duff and answering questions, I channel whatever celeb is on “Regis and Kelly” today.
Britney Spears. I’ve got to find out what’s going on in that head.
Justin Timberlake. I’ve been posing as a stray dog during his dates with Jessica Biel. Woof, woof!
Tom Cruise. I have a secret Scientology antenna array built into my bag.
Kristine Lilly, captain of the U.S. Women’s National Soccer team, joins readers Scott, Dan, Daniel and Stu. She stepped in specifically to give these guys a hand — oops, no hands in soccer. She’ll just use her head then.
Scott Troy
Dan Bledsoe
Daniel Butterworth
Stu Laferty
Kristine Lilly
TOPIC 1: HOW WOULD YOU SETTLE A TRAINING CAMP BATTLE?
Vienna Beef hot dog pie-eating contest in 100 degree heat. The first one to puke loses.
Three words: paper, scissors, rock.
With an old western shootout, held in Tank Johnson’s driveway.
Make them wear those faux sumo outfits and duke it out. Winner gets to pat Rex’s butt exclusively.
I’d confront it head-on.
TOPIC 2: WHICH TWO ATHLETES WOULD YOU PAIR IN A BUDDY MOVIE AND WHY?
Amanda Beard, Heather Mitts. Why? What are you blind? Beauty, fitness, legs, abs, stamina!
Pacman Jones and Michael Vick in the WWE remake of “Dog Day Afternoon.”
Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire: No surprise when they stick it to each other in the end.
William Perry and Carlton Fisk in “Pudge and Don’t Budge.” Because that’s why.
Me and Julie Foudy. We love teaching the game to kids.
TOPIC 3: HOW WOULD YOUR STATE OF THE WHITE SOX SPEECH BEGIN?
“We’re not as bad as the Blackhawks, but we’re adopting a familiar slogan: ‘Wait ‘Til Next Year.’ “
“I am here to tell you that If not for the Dan Ryan construction, we would be in first.”
“We’d like to thank 7-Eleven for finally taking the slurpee machines out of the locker room …”
“Good evening. Boy that Blue Line sucks, huh? Oh, look The Pizza Race is starting! [Run away.]”
“Go Yankees!”
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S YOUR PATENTED SOCCER MOVE?
Soccer, patented move — are you serious? I’m a goalkeeper.
“The Beckham Shuffle.” Sign a huge guaranteed contract and then go on injured reserve.
Managing to cram an entire night’s sleep in during one regulation game.
Like when Charlie Brown goes to kick the football that Lucy is holding, replete with expletives.
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Scoring goals.
TOPIC 5: WHICH CELEBRITY ARE YOU CHANNELING AND HOW?
Matthew McConaughey. The dude’s in shape, filthy rich and can date any women he wants.
Barry Bonds. So I can write the book “If I Did It: The Steroids Edition.”
Talking to Lindsay Lohan through our new Budweiser tin-can phones. “Can you hear me now?”
Hunter S. Thompson. I happened to be standing where his ashes landed.
Rachael Ray. I’m so busy I have to squeeze in high-energy meals, like eggs, to stay on my A-game.