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player ready...How embarrassing. Someone just told you to “shut up,” and other kids heard.
Shut up is a phrase kids commonly use, either as a joke or to mean, “Oh, really?” But shut up also is used as a put-down or to intimidate, says psychologist Gershen Kaufman, author of “Stick Up for Yourself!” (Free Spirit Publishing, $11.95).
Kids use shut up to hurt feelings because it makes other kids ashamed. Kaufman calls it a “shaming strategy” and says kids simply have to learn to deal. “The most important thing is to not let the other kid get the upper hand or see [you] crying,” he says.
Getting mad or saying, “You shut up!” won’t work. Kaufman says it will only make the moment worse and could lead to a fight.
Instead of getting angry, kids can act as if they don’t care, he says. Roll your eyes and look bored. It shows you don’t feel shame, so kids shouldn’t bother trying to put you down.
Humor also can be used to take the edge off the embarrassment. Kaufman recommends kids work on developing a sense of humor for these types of tense moments. It’s a skill that also will come in handy when you’re a grown-up: Shaming strategies are just part of being human, and adults use them, too, Kaufman says.
Some kids might have trouble thinking quickly on their feet. “Kids can learn to do that by role-playing with parents and teachers,” he says.
Bullies aren’t as easy to fix. It’s more of a threat when a bully sneers for you to shut up. But even if a kid is scared, Kaufman says it’s important to stay calm and be firm.
“Stand up straight, look [the bully] in the eye and say in a firm and confident voice, ‘Leave me alone’ or ‘I don’t like that,'” Kaufman says.
Then walk away toward a crowd or a group of friends. Kaufman says bullies don’t like to pick on kids in a group.