Here’s 2007, seen through a cracked crystal ball:
Jan 6: Hubbard running back Robert Hughes chooses Illinois over Notre Dame, increasing an Illini recruiting haul that has all of college football talking. Standout juniors Steven Filer of Mt. Carmel and Brandon Green of Robeson and sophomore quarterback star Jordan Roberts of Aurora Christian commit to Illinois hours later. “Charlie Weis asked us to wait, but the way Ron Zook can recruit, we wanted to get in while there’s still room,” Green says.
Feb. 2: Comcast announces the launch of Preps Net, a 24-hour cable channel devoted entirely to Chicago-area high school sports. “We believe the interest is there,” a spokesman says, “and we’ve got this neat idea for a three-hour show called `Post Pattern,’ a TV version of football recruiting message boards.” The game schedule is a work in progress, he admits, citing the upcoming telecast of a Metro Prep basketball contest between Waldorf and Ida Crown.
March 3: Twins Allison and Maggie Mocchi score 23 points each to lead Buffalo Grove to a 62-61 victory over Fenwick for the Class AA girls basketball title. “They’re such great players, and they look the same,” Fenwick coach Dave Power says. “We kept getting confused trying to guard them on the pick-and-roll.”
March 17: Derrick Rose ties Simeon’s state semifinal game against Loyola 54-54 on a 360 dunk with 10 seconds left. Michael Jordan leaps from the stands, grabs the ball from his startled son, Loyola standout Jeff Jordan, and blows a reverse jam at the horn. Rose hits two free throws on the resulting technical foul for the victory. “I guess I still have that itch to play,” a sheepish Michael confesses, “but I think this is it. When a high school kid outdunks me, it’s time to give it up.”
April 10: Police break up a riot at Comcast studios that begins during “Post Pattern” when ButkusBash51 takes a swing at WolverineWillie213 for claiming Ron Zook uses hypnosis to get top recruits. The violence spreads when BadgerBob33 taunts Willie213 and WeisWorshipper1223, saying Michigan and Notre Dame “couldn’t win a bowl game against Driscoll.”
May 28: North Shore Country Day basketball standout and Illinois recruit Jereme Richmond confirms he will transfer to Glenbrook North and play for Illini coach Bruce Weber’s brother, Dave, as a sophomore. “I’ll face tougher competition at North, and Dave runs Bruce’s offense,” explains Richmond, who then adds, “And I swear I won’t go to Duke.”
June 11: The Illinois High School Association Board of Directors approves a program for random drug testing at state finals in six sports. First-time offenders face five-game suspensions–eight games if they attend so-called “non-boundary” schools. “We used the 1.65 enrollment multiplier and rounded it off,” an IHSA spokesman says.
Aug. 9: MTV begins a new reality series, “Five-A-Days.” It follows the efforts of high school basketball coaches to recruit 8th-grade superstar Johnny Jumpshot. The title refers to the number of text messages Hoops High coach Will Getum sends Johnny each day. “I have to,” Getum says. “I’m just offering a great education and the chance to be the best he can be. These other crooks are promising Xbox 360 and all the Froot Loops he can eat.”
Sept. 27: Children’s Memorial Hospital’s Institute for Sports Medicine, citing the success of its Knee Injury Prevention Program, unveils a second KIPP initiative. Called, Keep Idiotic Parents Pacified, it lets moms and dads control lineups and playing time in an effort to save coaches’ jobs.
Oct. 27: Famous Hulbert leads Proviso West to its first football state playoff berth, though his team loses in the first round. “It still means I’ve finally fulfilled my goal to live up to my first name,” says Hulbert, who announces he will now change his name to Undefeated.
Nov. 3: KIPP parents at Dribble Academy switch the basketball team to a fast-break offense even though the starters’ average size is 5 feet 9 inches, 230 pounds. “It’s to help get them college scholarships,” a parent explains.
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Nov. 19: After Illinois finishes 1-11, Ron Zook resigns to take a job as marketing chief for Chicago’s Olympic Games bid. “If Ron could talk Martez Wilson from Simeon and Arrelious Benn from Washington, D.C., into coming to Champaign, he can certainly persuade the Olympic folks to bring the Games here,” Chicago 2016 Chairman Pat Ryan says. Zook admits he welcomes a job “where powers of persuasion alone are enough.” He reveals he turned down an offer to broker Middle East peace but will use his spare time convincing the Cubs they can win the World Series.
Dec. 21: Sonny Vaccaro resigns as head of Reebok grass-roots basketball to start the Vaccaro Hoops Academy, which will prepare high school players for college and the NBA. In the final episode of “Five-A-Days,” Johnny Jumpshot has a news conference to announce he will play for Vaccaro. “Sonny told me that if I work really hard I can learn to take four steps on a layup just like LeBron,” he says.
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