Dear Gov. Blagojevich and Judy Baar Topinka,
I had a cup of coffee with some friends the other day and we were laughing at the two of you and the campaigns you’re running. Overall, the question was, “Is this the best we’ve got?” Really, this may sound presumptuous of me, but we’ve got about 12 million people in Illinois and every one of them I know wants to know what did we do to deserve this.
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This is the truth: We did an online survey at wgnradio.com and given the choice between the two of you and “Zippy the Squirrel,” Zippy pulled 70 percent. (This was an unscientific survey–the actual percentage could be higher.) And that was before the governor’s money guy picked up a 24-count indictment and Judy–here’s a novel idea–announced that she’ll run TV ads talking about it. (Save the money, Judy, we can already see it: Dramatic music, grainy black-and-white video of opponent, incredulous announcer using the words “children,” “future” and “hair.” I’ll bet you I’m close.)
Are you paying any attention to people like me? This is not a rhetorical question. When my listeners aren’t rolling their eyes at your mutual childishness, they’re shaking their heads and muttering “slimy.”
And why wouldn’t they? You’re devastating each other’s character with surprisingly resonant TV spots. (Shame on me for saying this but the “Bobble-head Judy” and “Stammering governor” ads are really good, in a terrible sort of way.) The two of you have entire organizations behind you, but you can’t figure out a way to be in the same room at the same time to debate? I’m glad you’re not firefighters. And when you did get together–before the Tribune’s editorial board–the only thing missing was a laugh track.
Judy, say it: “Some of our contracts are no-bid. Some go to friends. Some of these friends aren’t perfect.” Governor, say it: “I should have refused a $1,500 gift for my daughter. I have hired criminal counsel. And I have to pick better friends to raise money.”
Instead, you’re both channeling Bill Clinton and everyone is laughing, ruefully, at you both. At least the loser will get to say “I told you so.”
Yeah, I know it’s our own fault. We should pay more attention and get involved and blah, blah, blah. And there is the Green Party candidate, Rich Whitney, whose name also will appear on the ballot and, based on a couple of conversations we’ve had, probably wouldn’t go to jail if he got elected. Which is nice.
And then there’s Zippy the Squirrel. Seventy percent should tell you how unhappy the citizens of Illinois are. Seventy percent is huge, especially if you consider all the people who won’t vote for him because he wears a fur.