The bell rang, and Dorothy Binder greeted the man taking a seat across from her.
“I want to tell you that I’m very nervous, but I’m here to have a good time today,” said Binder, a petite redhead in her 80s. “So, um, what do you like to do?”
“Well, uh, I like to go to restaurants and go to the opera,” said Clewell Howell, a retired lawyer. The 76-year-old rested his chin on his hand and smiled, his blue eyes warm behind thick glasses.
Around the table at the speed-dating event last week in Timonium, Md., other seniors chatted in pairs about hobbies and grandchildren while nodding and scribbling notes. After three minutes, the bell rang again and the men sat down with different partners, starting a new round of self-conscious conversations.
As people are living longer and changing their ideas about old age, more seniors are dating, experts say. But many find that the rules of the game have changed drastically since the last time they dated, four or five decades ago.
These days, seniors are as likely to meet through online dating services or singles cruises as bingo games. Older women are setting boundaries — such as refusing to cook for a man–even though older single women greatly outnumber the single men. And while bringing protection once meant a purse full of mad money, seniors must now be aware of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
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The senior scene will only grow as Baby Boomers–the oldest of whom turn 60 this year–reach their golden years.
“It’s going to be a much bigger issue in the future,” Towson University gerontology professor Donna Wagner said of senior dating. “Things are more open now, and people are able to pursue want they want, and before they would have felt guilty about even thinking about it.”
Tom Walsh, an 80-year-old retired engineer from Rhode Island, said he was overwhelmed by the dating world after his wife of 47 years died six years ago. He said he discovered that most older women wanted to pay their own way on dates, were not shy about sexuality and were not interested in getting married again.
“It was dumbfounding,” said Walsh, who wrote a book, “The Senior Dating Scene,” about his romantic adventures. “But I got into the swing of things.”
That can be a bigger challenge for women because the pool of eligible men shrinks drastically later in life. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, there are 7 men for every 10 women over age 65. Moreover, because women live longer on average, nearly 45 percent of women over 65 are widowed, compared with less than 15 percent of men, according to the census.
“Some men who have never been players, in their 70s, in a retirement home, can become players,” said Wayne Nelson, a Towson University gerontology professor. “They’re a hot commodity.”
Rebecca Sharp Colmer, co-author of “The Senior’s Guide to Dating (Again): Traditional and Online,” has a name for the women who swarm a widower: the casserole ladies.
“If a man’s wife dies, then the next day, 5 or 10 single ladies bring over a casserole,” said Colmer, who watched hordes of women descend on her widowed father-in-law. “They don’t waste any time saying, `We’ll help you through the grieving process,’ if you know what I mean.”
There’s another factor that frustrates women. “It’s hard to meet men who are age-appropriate because they’re interested in younger women,” said Doris Sweet, 68, a program manager for Hewlett-Packard.
Seniors face a number of dating challenges, experts say. They may feel out of place at bars or dance clubs. And physical impairments may put a crimp in their social lives.
Many senior women are quick to say that although they would like to meet a friend, they aren’t looking for a serious relationship. “I don’t want a situation where he comes over every Sunday and expects me to fix dinner for him,” said Georgia Peacock, 74. “I can enjoy my own company.”
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Tips for dating
– Arrange a first date in a public place, and let friends or family members know where you are heading.
– Keep the date short and avoid alcohol.
– If you decide to become sexually intimate, talk to your doctor. Then, insist that you and your partner get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Sources: Authors Rebecca Sharp Colmer, Tom Walsh and Tom Blake