TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Look across to the other page and pick one person you could take in a fight, and explain why.
Jimmy Greenfield: Sooyong. I’ve beaten up 5 Jeffs, 3 Jens, 2 Joses and an Alex. I need a Sooyong for my resume.
Phillip Thompson: Dude in the Kansas City Royals hat. Now there’s a guy who’s accustomed to beatdowns.
Leo Ebersole: As someone raised to believe that fighting mutants is wrong, I have moral issues with this one.
Whizzer: I’m a lover not a fighter. Except I could take Alex easy. Make a move. BAWK-BUK-BUK-BUK …
Stick Figure: Look? In which direction? All I see is clear blue sky. Hey, a cloud! Hello, cloud.
Jen Friedman: Stick Figure. I can break him over my knee like … uh … a stick.
Sooyong Youn: Anybody and everybody.
Jose Munoz: HEY! Where’s BagBoy?
He owes me money!
Alex Parker: I’m confident I can take anyone as long as I get the first punch. You eyeballing me, Thompson?
Jeff Lassiter: I’d take on Jimmy AND Phil to defend Leo’s honor.
TOPIC 2: Crystal ball time: This time next year where are the Cubs?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sorry, crystal ball is in the shop ever since it failed to tell me Derrek Lee would get hurt.
Phillip Thompson: In the hunt … for a new manager.
Leo Ebersole: Giving new manager Lou Piniella a heart attack.
On an off day.
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Whizzer: Losing 10-0 to St. Louis. Cardinals starter Kerry Wood throws a complete-game shutout.
Stick Figure: Actually, house rules: I’m not allowed to touch the crystal.
Jen Friedman: They’re all rehabbing in the minors.
Sooyong Youn: A blind man can see the Tribune Co. Cubs are a joke. Let me manage, and I’ll whip ’em into shape.
Jose Munoz: 1st place! Then they all wake up at the same exact time. Look up, I see Pirates!
Alex Parker: Starring in the State Fair production of “Uncle Jim’s All-Rookie Rotation Cabaret Variety Show!”
Jeff Lassiter: First place … in line at Northwestern Memorial Hospital.
TOPIC 3: How can we keep better track of Bears running back Cedric Benson on Friday?
Jimmy Greenfield: Just hire any NFL rush defense.
Phillip Thompson: Always look 5 yards behind the line of scrimmage, under the pile of linebackers.
Leo Ebersole: Has anyone invented a motionless detector?
Whizzer: I’m not sure I trust this question. I’m afraid to let my guard down.
Stick Figure: MARCO! … MARCO! … MARCO! … No one’s saying POLO! … MARCO! …
Jen Friedman: A tasteful forehead tattoo that says, “If lost, please return to Soldier Field.”
Sooyong Youn: Implant a microchip in him, like the one Whizzer has.
Jose Munoz: Spray the locker room for West Nile. Now he’ll have to stay in our sights!
Alex Parker: Use the buddy system: Kyle Orton gets free happy hour at Duffy’s if he doesn’t lose Benson.
Jeff Lassiter: He could be the first human the city tries out its new Pet Tracker implant on.
TOPIC 4: There’s a Fight Promoter University for future boxing promoters. Name one class.
Jimmy Greenfield: “Western Civilization: A History of The Blowhard”
Phillip Thompson: “Trick-o-nometry 101.” Cause division in each boxer’s camp by secretly subtracting winnings.
Leo Ebersole: “Intro to Staging a Brawl at the Weigh-In.” Prerequisite: “Basic Sucker Punching.”
Whizzer: “Car Wreck 301: Anything with Mike Tyson Brings Viewers & $$$”
Stick Figure: Does anyone want to trade lunch snacks? I brought a handful of smushed cooked carrots.
Jen Friedman: “Overlooking Serious Head Injuries 101”
Sooyong Youn: “Hairstyle 101”
Jose Munoz: “Crazy Hairdos and Don’t’s 101”
Alex Parker: “Teachings of Muhammad 101: Ali you need to know to get ahead”
Jeff Lassiter: “The Effects of Debilitating Blows to the Head on Western Civilization”
TOPIC 5: Is anyone on either of these pages here up for an Emmy this year?
Jimmy Greenfield: Those five on the other page are up for Best Guest Performance. Nice work, people.
Phillip Thompson: Jumbo Jeff over there.
He’s the house in “House.”
Leo Ebersole: Jose was “Bladder patient No. 2” on an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy.” We’re pulling for him.
Stick Figure: Whizzer: I would be if ABC had picked up my sitcom pilot
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“You, Me & Hasselhoff.”
Whizzer, will you read “Charlotte’s Web” to me? But just the laughing parts. Don’t want to cry.
Jen Friedman: I think Phil is up for the Lamest Joke Writer of the Year.
Sooyong Youn: No but I should be up for the Best Contributor Ever Award.
Jose Munoz: Jimmy has always seemed like a sitcom character to me.
Alex Parker: I nominate Whizzer for his portrayal of Jimmy in the very moving “Ebersole: A Life, A Musical.”
Jeff Lassiter: I’m putting Leo on my Chicago Dragons rugby team and filming it, so check back next year.
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